A long, long time ago, in a place that no one can remember (or maybe never existed,) a fish was born. This fish lived quite happily in Yaknowhich River near the town of Watsitcalled for 3 years, 51 days, 23 hours, and 2 seconds, at the end of which it became the main course at a cheap little diner in the bordering town of Dunkodar.
It just so happens that this fish was named Fillmore, but that really isn't relevant to the story, because no one cares. Especially Jessie, whose extreme luck it was to find Fillmore on her plate, next to some peas and across from a side of potatoes on a beautiful September afternoon.
She sat there in that diner pondering about what to do with rest of her life. She wondered what ever happened to Ringo after she'd fired him. (Ba dum dum ching!) But she didn't really care, so she sighed and took another bite of Fillmore. A smile flickered across her face as she thought of Paul shmarmily serenading Polly over a candlelit dinner of poached SPAMon, prepared by Sir SPAM-a-lot of Camelot. She was a little concerned about that last thought. She had heard that Jack had climbed some bean-stalk and came back down wearing stockings and lipstick, but it didn't bother her for long. Then she recalled Itsy the Moon Queen and George the Sun King, and she had to laugh for a moment when she thought of their three kids. Suddenly, the smile vanished when she thought of how alone she was.
"Life..." she looked down at Fillmore. "Don't even talk to me about life." she groaned monotonously as she finished off the last of the peas.
"My point exactly." a voice said from somewhere in the diner, which was established by a Mrs. Potts, who at one time had a cat named Blinky. "Not that anyone ever listens to me to realize that I even have a point, which I have many of, considering that I have a brain the size of the Universe." the voice continued. "But no one cares, so I don't know why I even bother." It ended with a deep sigh.
Jessie wheeled around to see a very depressed robot sitting in the booth behind her. "Who are you?" she asked with a quizzical look on her face. It wasn't every day that one met a depressed robot. However, it wasn't every day that Fillmore was eaten either. That only happened on Thursdays.
"My names Marvin, if you care. Which I suspect you don't, because no one ever does, so why should they start now?" He answered with another sigh.
"Well, my name is Jessie." she responded. "I was simply pondering what to do with the rest of my life when you said something, but it's not like it's important -- life, I mean. If it were, more people would've listened to me. Which they haven't. It's probably because they all hate me, but are too nice to actually tell me to my face," she went on.
"Life," he said in a depressed, monotonous way, "Don't even talk to me about life."
"My point exactly." Jessie responded with a sigh.
Fifteen minutes and a bowl of oatmeal later, Jessie and Marvin were on their way to meet Arthur Dent, who was the closest thing Marvin had to a friend... not that he would know what it was like to have a real friend, seeing that everyone he had ever met just pretended to like him to avoid hurting his feelings. (or so he said as he and Jessie were walking along a river, staring unknowingly at Fillmore's Aunt Ghurtie.)
And so they walked on. Jessie was half listening to Marvin, and half wondering if she really wanted to meet this Arthur person afterall, when suddenly and very unexpectedly, a small man jumped out in front of them.
"Hands up!" he commanded with a squeaky voice. Jessie and Marvin blinked and looked at each other, then looked back at the small man. His eyes shifted uneasily from Jessie to Marvin, and then back to Jessie. "Hands up I said!" he repeated. He was obviously growing more uneasy every minute. Jessie and Marvin just stood there. "I have a lazer gun!" he threatened, and so he did. It was pointed directly at his own face because he couldn't figure out which way it was supposed to go.
At this point, Jessie and Marvin realized what a serious situation they were in -- if they didn't put their hands up, the poor little fellow would blow his brains out. So, of course they did.
"I've had a very bad day." he commented.
"Haven't we all?" Jessie retorted.
"Listen," he said. "You-" he was pointing at Marvin. "Go away!"
"Of course he's telling me to go away." Marvin remarked, sounding even more depressed than usual. "He doesn't like me. I know it. Oh, everyone hates me." he continued. "I'm not even worthy enough to get mugged." he finished as he strolled away, leaving Jessie all alone with the seemingly suicidal smurf.
"And you-" he said to Jessie, "Come with me."
Jessie followed the little fellow. She walked slowly behind him until he came to a small grove of trees. With a sigh, he plopped himself down underneath a peach tree.
"Excuse me," she said politely, considering the circumstances. "But who are you? WHAT are you? Why did you kidnap me? And do you have any SPAM?" she asked.
"I am Zoyle, and I am an elf," he answered proudly. "I kidnapped you because I've had a very bad day," he continued. "and what is SPAM?" he finished, looking a little baffled.
"I only wish I knew." she mumbled under her breath. "Let me get this straight," she continued. "I've been kidnapped by an elf?"
"Yes, you have." he responded matter-of-factly.
Jessie paced back and forth for a while, then suddenly stopped. A wide grin slowly spread across her face until she looked like the Chesire Cat. (Who, by the way, had a cousin named Boofa, who was run over by a steam roller.)
"Cool!" she exclaimed. Then she started skipping around. "I've been kidnapped by an elf! I've been kidnapped by an elf!" she sang to herself.
"Augh!" Zoyle suddenly screamed.
"What's wrong?" Jessie asked.
"Are you mad?!" he demanded.
"Well..." Jessie started.
"I don't want to hear it!" he screamed at her. "I kidnapped you! You're not supposed to like it! You're supposed to hate it! That's why I did it!" he snapped.
"I'm sorry," she said, sitting down. "It's just always been a dream of mine to be kidnapped by an elf, that's all." she explained.
"Augh!" he screamed again, this time sounding disgusted. Then he gave a sigh, dropped his gun, and started walking away from Jessie.
"Wait!" she shrieked. "Where're you going?" she demanded.
"I'm leaving," Zoyle announced. "You're unkidnapped."
"Aww...man!" Jessie complained. "Just when I was having fun!"
"Look," he said. "I can't kidnap you if you WANT to be kidnapped. That wouldn't make you suffer, and I want everyone to suffer!"
"Why?" she questioned.
"BECAUSE I'VE HAD A VERY BAD DAY!!!" he shouted.
"Well...could you at least turn me into a talking horse before you go?" she pleaded.
"What is it with you?" he demanded. "You're totally insane! Who would want to be a talking horse?!" he complained.
"Please..." she whined.
"Oh, all right!" he lamented as he made a few hand gestures towards Jessie. Soon she was standing on all fours. She had fulfilled her second dream in life. She was a talking horse. She turned to thank Zoyle, but he was already on his way to find someone else to torment, so Jessie sighed and headed off in the direction where she had last seen Marvin.
She found him about half an hour later. He was sitting alone in a grove of trees.
"Marvin?" she called.
"Yes?" he asked, sounding very depressed.
"I'm un-kidnapped. We can go meet Arthur Dent now," she said.
"Good for you. See, me, I'm not even good enough to get kidnapped, let alone get un-kidnapped because no one even likes me enough to kidnap me in the first place. I'm not worth anything to anybody. Oh, life..." he lamented.
Jessie shifted hooves and thought for a second. She wondered if Marvin was always this depressed. Suddenly the sad realization came to her that he WASN'T always this depressed. He was usually worse. She didn't know if she could go on traveling with someone who was that down on themselves.
"Hey, Marvin?" she asked.
"What now?" he returned, sounding sadder by the minute.
"Look, umm...I got some business to take care of, so how about you go find Arthur, and meet me back here tomorrow?" she offered.
"Alright, I guess," he moaned as he started along the path again. Jessie turned to leave, but then heard Marvin mumble to himself.
"See, I've been ditched again... nobody likes me, and if I come back tomorrow, she probably won't even be here, Oh, life..."
She shook her head and began galloping back to the Sand-Castle-on-a-cloud-smack-dab-in-the-middle-and-above-the-Kingdom-Of-The-Sun. There, she knew, she could find her old friends. She figured there was still something left to say. She had left in a big hurry, with only a quick, "Haste lasagna, don't get any on ya!"
"So I'm going back," Jessie thought to herself as she galloped down a hill. All of a sudden she fell, and rolled all the way to the bottom. She sat up, shook her head, then realized that she was a person again. "Oh nuts!" she commented.
"He's the umpire!" a voice shouted with glee.
"Who are you?" Jessie asked. Things were getting a little weird.
"I'm... uh... nobody important." the voice called again. Then it started whistling a little tune.
"Tell me who you are!" Jessie demanded.
"Nope, sorry. Can't tell you." the voice answered with growing happiness. It knew it was annoying her.
"Augh!" Jessie screamed as she kicked a nearby wall.
"Ouch!" screamed the voice.
"Wait a minute," Jessie commented. "You're the WALL?" she asked.
"And what's wrong with that? I'd like to know! Walls are very important, where would you be without us? Hum? Don't have an answer, do ya? I knew it. You're just like all the other people in the world. Sure, you'd save a ladybug, but do you care about the walls of the world? No-oo-o! All you people make me sick!" the wall emphatically exclaimed.
"Well, you're just a... just a ...just an unimportant, disregarded, unangley looking, poorly groomed snarglefussen!" Jessie shouted in defense.
"Zodflobber."
"Poikleoikle."
"Giffaliff."
"Rigazoyfulus."
"Poindexter."
"Roy."
"Dan."
"YOKO!" Jessie said in a rather accusing voice. "Ha! I won!" she giggled. "No way can you beat that! Can ya? Nope, I didn't think so."
"You... you... sobozogus!" the voice shouted. "This isn't the end, you know. Someday, when you least expect it, I'll get you!" the wall taunted.
"Oh yeah?" asked Jessie. "How?"
"Well.. I haven't figured that out quite yet, but when I do... LOOK OUT!" the wall threatened again, rather pointlessly.
"Whatever," Jessie sighed. "Catch ya later." she called as she started walking away.
"You're leaving?" the wall asked.
"Well, generally walking away from a person or situation is called leaving, so yes. I'm leaving." she said, beginning to get pretty annoyed.
"But... you're my only friend." pleaded the wall. "You can't leave me all alone!"
Suddenly, Jessie turned back around with blond hair and really cool sunglasses. "Name's Charlie. Charlie Baltimore." she said in a cool, low voice. "Life is pain, you just get used to it." she demanded. Then she turned around, whistled a little tune, and headed for the Sand Castle.
"Snarglefussen!" the wall mumbled as she walked out of sight.
A couple hours and some Cream Of Wheat later, Jessie arrived at the front gate of the Sand Castle. She sighed one last sigh before she entered. "I have a feeling that this evening is going to be just awful." she complained to herself.
"It'll probably be funny, but not awful." commented a dapper-looking middle-aged man who was passing by.
"Yeah, that helps." she muttered under her breath. "And ya know, he's probably right. I haven't been a jester in years, yet everyone always laughs at me. Typical."
Jessie realized that there was nothing left to do but to get it over with, so she flung open the door, and ran into the castle. "I'm back, I'm back, don't everybody make a big scene, it's not that big a deal. I'm fine, I'm fine," she said.
She was answered with silence.
"I SAID," she shouted. "DON'T EVERYBODY MAKE A SCENE, IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL!!!" she continued, shrieking as loud as she could.
Paul's face appeared over the balcony. "Oh, sorry Jess." he said, "Didn't hear ya come in," he continued as he set his mirror down on a table, and put his comb back in his pocket. "Guess I got a little caught up in that hallway of mirrors, but can you blame me? I mean, a hallway of a million me's." He finished, turning slightly red. "Polly shmookums, Jessie's back! Come down here and see!" he shouted down the hallway.
"Shmookums?" Jessie thought.
"Smookums?" asked Itsy and George who had just come in.
"Shmookums?" questioned a voice from the hallway, that was unmistakably Polly's. "Did you just say shmookums?" Polly asked again as she walked into the room.
"Of course not, dear," comforted Paul.
"Good," said Polly. "Cuz for a minute I thought you-"
"I said shmookums," commented Paul, cutting her off. "Not shmookums, that's entirely different all together."
"That's entirely different." They all said, looking at Paul strangely.
"See, I'm glad you see the distinction." he said proudly.
"But we don't!" George, Itsy, and Polly screamed back. Jessie started inching towards the door. The Weirdos were definitely still weird, to say the least of it.
"Well, there's no need to snap at me. I'm doing my best!" Paul yelled in defense.
Jack strolled into the room, munching on some Cheese-Heads. "Wait...wait. What's this all about?" he asked.
"Please tell my husband," said Polly calmly. "that shmookums and shmookums are the same thing."
"No they're not," Jack said, looking confused and surprised at Polly. "They're completely different things." He agreed with Paul.
"See, see? I'm not the only one!" Paul exclaimed with joy.
"Staring at the sun?" Polly asked.
"What was that?" Paul questioned, looking very confused.
"Nothing, nothing at all," Polly replied with a little giggle. Jessie was almost to the door.
"I can make it!" she thought, "Just a few more..."
Suddenly, Itsy interrupted Jessie's thoughts with a rather loud impromptu "The light switch is by the door?"
Now George was the confused one. "Itsy, dear, you know where the light switch is. You've lived here for years!" he exclaimed.
"Ya just don't get it, do ya George?" Itsy asked with a giggle.
"I guess not," said George, looking quite flustered.
"Let's stick to the topic." Paul demanded.
"You always used to say that when you were thoroughly worsted." Polly said with a smirk.
Jessie was just standing and watching in horrified fascination.
"Look," said Paul firmly, "There is a huge difference between shmookums and shmookums."
"I gotta agree with Paul," added Jack, who was still munching on Cheese-Heads.
"It's the same thing!" screamed Polly.
"Yeah, same thing!" agreed Itsy and George.
"Same thi-ing!" Becca the Cook and Stan the Guard called from the kitchen.
"I can't take it anymore!" screamed Jessie. "You've been having the same argument for like 10 pages now, I think it's time to move on!" she screamed at them.
They all blinked a few times, then went back to their fight. "Same thi-ing!" called Polly, Itsy, and George.
"Nut-uh!" Paul and Jack insisted.
"Same!"
"Not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Too too too too-"
"Not not not not-"
"too too too too-"
"not not not INFINITY!" Jack finally screamed. They all stood silent for a moment, then simultaneously screamed and jumped at each other. Things like, "SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! AUGH!", and, "M' leg, m' leg! Help me, help me, I cain't feel m' leg!" kept coming from the pile.
Jessie shook her head, sighed, and walked back out the door. "Well, ya got two options," she said to herself. "Either stay here, or go find Marvin and help him find his 'non-friend' Arthur." She thought for a moment. "Arthur. Definitely!" she exclaimed as she started down the Long & Winding Road.
After walking around for over four hours, she finally gave up and sat down in the middle of the road. "I've had a very bad day!" she complained with a whine.
"He he he he!" a voice taunted from some nearby bushes.
"Who is it NOW!" she asked with anguish.
"It's me!" said a proud, matter-of-fact voice. A little man jumped out from behind the bushes. "I've had a very GOOD day!" it exclaimed with glee.
"You? Again?" Jessie asked, hoping it wasn't, but she knew it couldn't possibly be anyone other than...
"Zoyle," he proclaimed. "In the flesh." He smiled, then clapped his hands. "I got you!" he screamed.
Suddenly, Jessie got an idea. "Ya know Zoyle, I've had a very bad day," she said.
"Yes I do... and that's fabutastic!" he said with excitement.
"Ya know, I couldn't deal with another thing. Not... one... more... thing. One more thing would just put me over the edge." she said, all the time thinking how slick she was being. "Ya know what'd be the worst thing that could happen to me right now?" she asked.
"What?" asked Zoyle, his eyes as wide as saucers.
"It would just be so... crushing, so... bad, and... and traumatic if I suddenly appeared right next to Arthur and Marvin. If that happened... I'd... I'd just die!" Jessie exclaimed.
"He he he he..." Zoyle laughed deviously as he made a few hand gestures.
Suddenly, Jessie found herself between Marvin, and a man she didn't know. "Wow! It worked! I can't believe it!" she exclaimed. "He fell for it! Wow!"
"Jessie," Marvin said, sounding just as depressed as always. "Meet Arthur Dent. Arthur Dent, this is Jessie, another one of my non-friends." he said with a long, deep sigh.
"Nice to meet-" Arthur started, then suddenly stopped.
Jessie looked up, and right at Arthur's face. "Yoooou?!" she asked in astonishment.
"Fifi," he said, lighting a cigar and donning a trenchcoat. "Of all the spaceships in all the towns in all the world... you had to come walking into mine," he finished, rather dramatically.
"Francois?!" she asked in awe. "Is that really you?"
"Yes. It is me, my love. I have come to rescue you!" shouted a guy in really tight pants, who had just run in. "For I am Victor Strongheart! And the strength of the strongth is stronger than the-"
"Hey Vic, ya mind?" Jessie asked.
"I have come to-"
"VIC, ya hear me?"
"No, you shall not die, my love. You shall not-"
"Hel-lo?! Victor, this is not Broadway, or the movies, or The Scheme of the Driftless, I mean the Drift of the Scheme, wait er... well whatever it is, this ain't it! This is my big scene, we're a page from the end of MY story, so get outta here!" Jessie demanded.
"Oh, man!" Victor complained. "Do I HAVE to?"
"Lemme explain somethin' Vic. I am the lead, get it, the lead in this story, alright, and this is the scene where I meet Arthur Dent, who I'm gonna marry in a couple chapters, so beat it! Get! Leave! C-ya! Bye!" she yelled at him.
"I do, I think you're mean!" he pouted as he walked away.
"Yes, it is me, Fifi." Francois replied softly. "I'm so surprised to see you again, I mean, well, we all thought you were-"
"Dead?" Jessie asked. Arthur nodded. "Ah, yes. Mine is a sad and lonesome tale of fate. Yes, everyone thought that my years as a depressed jester rotted my mind and deteriorated me. Many thought that the stapler in Berma was my demise, yet others preferred the pencil incident in L.A., but the most public thought of my death was the tape dispenser in Utah. Nobody thought I made it through that, did they?"
"Wait... it was Utah?" he questioned.
"It was Utah," Jessie replied.
"With the tape dispenser?" he asked.
"With the tape dispenser." she affirmed.
"Oh, Fifi, how could you?" he asked, sounding disgusted.
"I didn't, that's the thing! I swear that it attacked me. Oh, the irony of it all, everyone said I was suicidal, but really, I was only being attacked by rabid office supplies. That tape dispenser sure did a number on me, but I live on!" she proclaimed.
"Oh, Fifi-" he started.
"Nope. It's Jessie now." she corrected.
"Oh, right." he said. "And I'm Arthur, not Francois. Ya see, I got into debt with Zaphod-"
"Zaphod?"
"Oh, he's just this guy, ya know. Anyway, I had to change my name or pay up, so now I'm Arthur, and Francois never existed, got it?"
"Francois?" Jessie asked, "Who's Francois?"
"I am! Duhh!" he shouted.
"No, you're not, you're Arthur." she said point-blank. (Grosse?)
"Oh, yeah..." he said. "Yeah, oh yeah, I'm... uh... Arthur. Yeah, that's it. I'm Arthur Dent. Pleased to meet you. It's... uh... Jessie, right?"
"Why, yes. Yes it is. Jessie the depressed jester. Nice to meet you." Jessie said with a smile.
And so they walked away into the sunset holding hands, with Marvin trailing behind them. Just as they passed the glistening Yaknowhich River, a fish flipped into the air, and landed back in the water. It just so happens that this fish was named Fillmore, but that really isn't relevant to this story, because no one cares.
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