Hay is for Horses
"Remind me again why I'm here?"
"Because your impossibly sexy boyfriend is interning on a ranch."
"What exactly do you do as an intern ranch hand? Fetch coffee for the real ranch hands?"
"Yeah, well, we can't all intern for our grandfather's law offices. I work in the barn."
"As an intern."
"Yes."
"...Okay, do you fetch the cows coffee?"
"So here's what I'm sensing: you do a lot of Starbucks runs while interning at your very fancy law office."
"I also file papers. What are we doing out here? Jack, I'm going to have an allergy attack."
"You are so freaking cute. I want to show you something."
"In the barn?"
"Yes, in the barn."
"Jack, what's that look on your face?"
"What look?"
"The look. You always get that look when you're about to do something that's a really bad idea and you're preparing to talk me into it."
"I don't have a face like that, and this is a great idea. You'll love it."
"Jack, is that... is that a candle?"
"Yes."
"And it's lit?"
"Yes."
"Okay, there's like... Hay, or whatever, right over there, and it's going to catch on fire."
"David, it is not going to catch on fire."
"Candle. Hay. How is that not an incredibly bad idea?"
"I think it's romantic."
"Romantic."
"Yes."
"Setting a barn on fire is your idea of romantic."
"It isn't on fire, I lit a candle, yeesh."
"Okay, but why would you want to be romantic in a barn... Oh. No. Oh, no, no, no."
"Davey."
"Absolutely not."
"David, come on. I put down a blanket."
"You put down a blanket on a stack of hay, Jack."
"It's called a bale, David."
"I am allergic to most kinds of grasses and pollens!"
"And you sound real manly when you explain that to people, too. It's kind of turning me on."
"What are you doing?"
"I'm sorry, are buttons too advanced for you? You're going to be really amazed when I undo your zipper."
"Jack! I am not getting naked in a barn! There are horses watching us! ... Stop laughing!"
"I -- I just -- David, they're horses. They aren't going to judge us."
"I'm not having sex with anything or anyone watching!"
"It's real cute when you stomp your foot like that. ... Ew, David, you just sneezed on me."
"First, you deserved it; second, I told you I -- achoo! -- was allergic to, like, everything in here."
"David. Please. Will you just... I mean, come on. You wanted to be more spontaneous, you said."
"This isn't spontaneous. You lit a candle and put down a blanket."
"Which you are not currently lying down on."
"Jaaaack."
"Please, David? It'll be fun."
"Jack."
"Please? I'll do that... You know, that thing. You like that."
"What thing? Oh. Oh, Jack... Lower!"
"Lie down on the blanket."
"Fine, but -- oooooh -- ow! God damn -- ow!"
"What? David!"
"The goddamn -- achoo! -- hay -- achoo! -- itches!"
"But the blanket!"
"It itches through the -- achoo -- goddamn blanket!"
"It's all in your head. If you just relax --"
"Don't tell me to relax! I'm having an allergy attack!"
"Calm down!"
"I am calm!"
"Well, stop sneezing!"
"I can't!"
"Fine! Get off the hay, then!"
"Thank you! Jeeze!"
"Sorry."
"Don't sulk."
"I'm not sulking!"
"You are, too!"
"I just wanted to do something nice for you!"
"Oh, jeeze, Jack! I... This is nice. It was sweet, really. I'm glad you brought me out here."
"You're just saying that. You could at least not roll your eyes when you placate me."
"I'm not, I... Jack. I love you. And I really appreciate that you tried to do something sweet. If it wasn't for my allergies... and the itchiness... and the horses..."
"Yeah, yeah. Let me blow out the candle...Wait. Hang on."
"Jack?"
"What if there was no hay? Or horses?"
"Achoo! -- Jack? What are you... That's the scheming look again."
"I'm not scheming, I had a brilliant idea."
"Where are we going?"
"Here!"
"Um... So what is this, like, an equipment shed?"
"Pretty much. Soooooo, uh, David, have you ever considered... You know, saddles?"
"Saddles? For what? ... Oh. Oh my god, Jack!"
"Come on. It could be fun."
"Did you just waggle your eyebrows?"
"You're laughing. Come on..."
"I can't believe I'm even considering... Will you do the thing?"
"You know I will."
"Well..."
"You stopped sneezing."
"Well..."
"David?"
"Maybe we can use the saddle."
"I love you so fucking much."