Mrs. Tulsi looked very serious. "You aren't going to be any trouble tonight, right Jasper? Promise mommy."
Jasper beamed and bounced slightly. "Oh, I promise! No worries!"
"That's my boy." She turned to leave.
"But... mommy?"
Mrs. Tulsi sighed, the deep, long sigh of a martyr. She turned around again. "Yes, J?"
"Mommy, why do I need a babysitter? Because... Because Sam and Chad are here, too!" He stuck out his lip slightly, not yet in full-on pout mode.
Mrs. Tulsi was pretty immune to Jasper. She had to be. Otherwise nothing would ever have gotten done. Ever. "Because, Jasper, they want the evening to themselves. They might need to go out and do other things. Or leave."
Jasper let his lip tremble. His eyes filled with tears. "They don't want to play with me?" he sniffled. "But... But... Don't they love me?"
Mrs. Tulsi refused to look directly at Jasper. It was like looking in to a blinding supernova of cute. She looked a little over his head. "Jasper, that's not fair—"
"But they're never home to play with, ever, and now that they are they won't play with meeeee!" He was almost full out sobbing now, stomping his foot slightly.
Mrs. Tulsi gritted her teeth. "Jasper. What did I tell you about using your powers of cute for evil?"
Jasper stopped crying immediately. "Sorry, mommy."
"Now, be good for Amy."
"Will you bring me a present?"
She gave him a sharp look. Jasper beamed innocently back at her, bouncing slightly again. "Do you promise not to have any coffee?"
".... Well...."
"Jasper, you're six. For heaven's sake. You don't need any coffee!"
"But it's good!"
"Jasper. No coffee. Good night, pumpkin." She kissed the top of his head and hurried out before he could think of anything else to bounce about.
Jasper turned. He chewed his lip for a minute. Sam would be upstairs on the phone—Sam was always on the phone. And Chad would be watching PBS in the living room. Which meant he could only bother one of them at a time.
Not that Jasper was planning to bother them, exactly. But... Sam lived in D.C. in his own place, and Chad had just moved to New York City, so neither one was ever home to play with. And Jasper got bored easily. He bounced in to the living room.
Chad was slumped in a chair, remote in one hand, curly hair all mussed. He was muttering something at the tv.
"Hi!!" Jasper perked.
"Hey, J."
"Wanna play with me?"
"Isn't your babysitter here yet?"
"No. Play with me!"
"Not now, J."
"Why not? I'm cute! Play with me!"
"Not now, J. I'm watching the new production of Cats. It's awful. I need to critique it so I can tell the theater manager what not to do."
Jasper paused. "But... But that's not playing with me. Play with me!" He bounced over to Chad's chair, grabbed the arm and began bouncing up and down in front of Chad. "Play with me!" bounce "Play with me!" bounce "Play with me!" bounce "Play with me!"
"JASPER!!"
Jasper stopped bouncing. "What?" he asked in a tiny voice.
"Let's play a quiet game. Okay?"
"But those aren't fun."
"We either play a quiet game or you have to go away."
"But... But I don't wanna count to a million and stare at the wall!" Jasper pouted. "Play with me!" bounce "Play with me!" bounce "Play with—"
"STOP THAT!"
Jasper began sniffling. "You don't like me?"
"Oh for god's..." Chad stopped helplessly. "When's the babysitter getting here?"
"You're grumpy. And no fun. College makes you no fun."
"I'll play later, okay J?"
"Prooooomise?"
"Swear."
"K."
"Now, go bother Sam."
"K!" Jasper bounced out of the living room and upstairs. Sam was sitting on the couch in the den, talking on the phone. Sam had just gotten in to graduate school, which apparently meant he always had a big scary book and big scary briefcase with him.
"... Look, I would, but you heard the President at the State of the Union... Yeah, I know, what utter crap. I mean, obviously we need to raise the minimum wage... stupid Republicans..."
"Stupid republicans," Jasper parroted back gravely.
"We need welfare reform! We need to help the poor, not punish them! We need more liberal thinkers!"
"Liberal is good," Jasper nodded. "Sam? What's liberal again?"
"Good," Sam said distractedly.
"Liberal is good?" Jasper said.
"Yeah. Go away, J."
"Who are republicans?"
"Um... Evil. I'm on the phone here, J."
"Fighting evil Republicans?"
"...Sorta. Not right now, J."
"Can I help? I can beat them up!"
"Jasper, violence is bad!... What? No, talking to my baby brother. Sorry."
"Oh... Then what can we do to fight evil republicans?"
"Make pamphlets, mostly."
"K," Jasper said cheerily. "I'll go get my crayons!"
The doorbell downstairs rang. "Yay!" Jasper crowed. "Someone to play with!" He bolted downstairs to answer the door.
"Jasper, ask who it is before you open the door!" Chad yelled.
Jasper had already opened the door. "Hi! I'm Jasper Tulsi! I'm six. So I'm in first grade! Because I'm smart. And I'm fun. I have crayons! Do you like crayons? I do. And play dough. That's fun too. Play with me?"
The girl at the door looked just a tiny bit frightened, but she smiled. "Hi, Jasper, I'm Amy. I'm here to babysit you."
"By babysit you mean.. play with me?"
"Uh. Yes."
"K! We're upstairs, fighting evil Republicans. Me and Sam. Which is fun. Because I'm good and liberal. I am. Sam is too. Are you?"
Amy just looked startled. "I... How old are you?"
Jasper frowned. "Six. I just said that. Did you miss it?"
"No, I... I just ... Are you sure?"
Jasper rolled his eyes. "That's THIS many." He held up six fingers. "Is that easier to count?"
"If you say so." Amy walked in and Jasper shut the door behind her. She was a high school junior, wearing a Beatles t-shirt and jeans. She had three piercings in one ear, but she didn't look particularly scary. "Who's Sam?"
"My brother. You don't want to meet him, he's boring."
"Is that the sitter, J?" Chad yelled.
"Yes! She's here! So I have someone to play with." Jasper took Amy by the hand and began pulling her toward his room. "We're going to go play."
Chad appeared at the living room door suddenly, saw Amy, and smiled. "Hey there! We haven't met, have we? I'm Chad, Jasper's older brother."
"Nice to meet you."
Jasper looked at Chad suspiciously. "She's here to play with me, Chad," he said firmly.
"There's no harm in talking, is there, J?" Chad asked amiably.
Jasper rolled his eyes. He tugged on Amy's hand impatiently. "My brothers always want to play with the babysitter. But they never want to play with me."
"Awww, that's too bad," Amy said. Then she looked at Chad and giggled. "But it is nice to meet you."
"Hey, if uh... You get bored, or if Jasper, I dunno, falls asleep or something—"
"Not going to!" Jasper interrupted.
"—you should come hang out with me." He flashed her the patented Tulsi smile. She giggled again.
"Ech," Jasper said, making a face. "Stop being kissy."
"No one's kissing, J," Chad said.
"Well, stop being squishy. It's gross. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to go play with play dough." He tugged on Amy's hand again.
"I'll see you later," she said, giggling again. Jasper made another face. Amy let him pull her to the end of the hallway.
"Jasper, is the babysitter here?" Sam yelled from upstairs.
"Another brother?" Amy asked.
Jasper sighed dramatically. "They're home to visit. I don't know why. They come home, but they don't play with me. So why do they come home? Mom says it's to do laundry for free."
"They're quite a bit older than you are, aren't they?" Amy asked.
Jasper shrugged. "Yeah. Sam's in graduate school an' Chad was in college. I think he dropped down, but he didn't tell mom yet."
"...dropped down?"
"Stopped going to class. He dropped down. Or dropped up. Or dropped in. I forget. Anyway, it's not important. Do you like play dough?"
"Oh, he dropped out?"
"I guess so. Are you going to be boring all night or can we go play?"
"We should definitely go play," Amy agreed. "You're a big play dough fan?"
"I am today. I'm going to make pamphlets later. Sometimes I don't like play dough. But then other times I do. But then sometimes I only like it a little. Sometimes not at all. It tastes okay, but not like coffee. Then I'd like it more. Which I do. Today. I think."
"You're making pamphlets later?" Amy sounded startled.
"To help Sam out. He's fighting evil Republicans. I think."
"Jasper... Do you know what 'republicans' or 'pamphlets' are?"
"Of course," Jasper said, rolling his eyes again. He paused. "Um. I know mommy and daddy talk about them a lot. Um... Republicans are old. And mean. And they want to.. Um... destroy the minimum waves. They want big waves. Everywhere. To drown poor people. I think. And pamphlets are pieces of paper that say so. Don't you know anything?"
"Ah. Are you sure that's not the minimum wage?" Amy asked.
Jasper frowned. "What's a 'wage'?"
"It means how much money you make."
"That doesn't make any sense. How do you destroy the minimum how much money you make?"
"That's not quite what it means."
"I'm right, anyway, so let's go play." Jasper shrugged and turned away.
"Wait, hang on, this is what you do for fun?" Amy asked. "Talk about republicans and make pamphlets?"
"And drink coffee."
"Oh, you do not."
"I do so! I do so!! Chaaaaaaad!!! She's being meaaaaaan!!" Jasper stomped his foot repeatedly.
Chad appeared around the corner. "What's going on, J?"
Jasper pointed an accusatory finger at Amy. His voice was tremulous. "She said I don't! Drink! Coffee! Make her take it baaaaack!"
"Oh." Chad looked vaguely guilty. "Uh. He does, actually. See, Sam and I thought... Well, he's kinda hyper anyway, and wouldn't it be funny to see what he was like if he got some caffeine in him, and he's not allowed to drink soda, so... Um. It was a bad idea. He loves it a lot. Like... a lot. He's not supposed to drink it, but he does."
"But he's six!"
"And I like coffee." Jasper decided at the last second he didn't feel like bursting in to tears. He smiled instead. "Coffee's good. Don't you know that?"
"It's.. It's okay, I guess," Amy said hesitantly. "Do you like other stuff? Besides... Besides pamphlets and coffee?"
"Singing," Jasper said. "Wanna hear? Okay! I'm gonna sing!"
"Oh god," Chad muttered, and disappeared back in to the living room.
Jasper began singing "The Rainbow Connection" at the top of his lungs. His voice was warbly and tended to go slightly off key (he'd started too high) but it was an impressive display, particularly from a six year old. When he'd finished, Amy, who was slightly stunned, began applauding.
Jasper curtsied. "Thank you! I'm gonna learn to play drums, too, soon, daddy said. Then mommy said 'oh, god, like the child doesn't make enough noise?' and daddy said 'but what if he's the next Ringo?' and mommy said 'he's too pretty to be Ringo' and daddy said 'it'll make him stop talking for a while' and mommy said 'fine but you're buying my migraine medication.'" Jasper beamed.
"I bet she did," Amy agreed.
Sam walked downstairs. "Good grief, Jasper, performing already? Amy just got here!"
"She thought I was good!" Jasper pouted.
"He is," Sam agreed, smiling at Amy. "For a little kid."
Amy looked at Sam and giggled. "Um... Thanks..."
"Hey! I'm not a little kid!" Jasper protested.
"It's so nice of you to babysit," Sam said, still smiling at Amy.
Amy started blushing. "Nah, I do it every weekend. Never for Jasper before, though."
"I'm six! Six's not little."
"Well, it's great there's someone around who doesn't mind playing with the little guy."
"Aww, he's cute, it's no trouble."
"'Little guy'?? Hello!! Just said I'm not little!!"
"Well, we appreciate it." Sam flashed her the Tulsi grin. She giggled again.
"Okay, fine, if everyone is going to be squishy I'm gonna go play BY MYSELF. Don't follow me! Don't come and play with me! Fine! FINE! I! Don't! Care!!" Jasper pouted in to his room and slammed the door.
There was silence. Amy turned to Sam. "Um. Is he okay?"
Sam shrugged. "Don't worry too much. He does this a lot."
"But I didn't mean to upset him..." She smiled apologetically. "I should go and talk to him, I guess."
"Okay. But if you get bored and want to, you know, talk to a grownup..." Sam grinned. "I'll be around."
"So will I!!" Chad called.
Amy blushed. "Thanks." She walked over and knocked hesitantly on Jasper's door. "Jasper?"
"Go away!!"
"I'm sorry, Jasper, really. Sam went back upstairs and Chad is watching PBS. So can I come in? We can play! We can use markers, or play dough, or whatever you want. Please?"
There was a long pause. Then Jasper's door opened just a crack, and Jasper (or at least, Jasper's left eye) glared out suspiciously. "You swear no boys?"
"Promise." Amy crossed her heart. "See?"
"Well... Okay. But only 'cause you promised. They always steal my babysitters, but they never wanna play with me! It's so unfair." He opened the door. "I wish I was a girl. Then they'd like me, too."
Amy looked a little startled. "I uh... I'm not sure that would... Well... You do have cute hair," she said finally.
"Are you coming in or what?" Jasper still looked dangerously on the cusp of pouting.
"Absolutely." Amy walked in to Jasper's room. "Can I have the grand tour?"
He looked suspicious, but he shrugged. "Okay. That's my bed, and that's my desk. And that's where my drum's going to be." Jasper pointed to an empty corner. "And those are my tapes. I have twenty-six different tapes. I have the Beatles and I have the Monkees and I have Elvis Costello and I have Monty Python and I have Peter Paul and Mary and I have Bob Dylan. And Duran Duran." A prodigious pile of tapes sat under Jasper's desk, teetering on the brink of collapse into a huge mess. "I like music."
"So do I," Amy said. "I like those people, too. I've.. I've never met a six year old with Elvis Costello tapes before."
Jasper shrugged. "I have advanced musical taste. That's what mommy says. Daddy just says "good god" a lot. Anyway. That's my 'Save the Earth' poster and that's my 'Hug a Whale' poster and that's my Beatles poster. And this is the pamphlet I'm making for Sam." He pointed to a stack of paper and crayons on the floor. "You wanna help?"
"Uh. Sure." They sat down on the floor. "What's it a pamphlet for?"
Jasper stared at her, and then frowned. "It has to be for something?"
Amy smiled. "Show me what you've done so far."
"Well. Here at the top it says 'No More Repubilkans!' and then in blue—blue's a good color, I think—it says 'A Minmum Waves Going to Drownd You! Rays It!' and then at the bottom I'm drawing a penguin." He picked up a blue crayon and began drawing what Amy assumed was supposed to be a penguin.
"Is... Is the penguin a democrat?" she asked hesitantly.
Jasper rolled his eyes. "Nooooo. He's swimming in the minimum—"
"—Waves, I get it, sorry, I'm dumb," Amy said quickly.
"You wanna make one?"
"Well, I... I wouldn't know what to write, I guess," Amy said.
Jasper handed her paper and a crayon. "Just write whatever comes to mind that you want people to know when they vote. I want them to know that penguins are cute. Republicans kill baby animals. Mom said."
"You know, some Republicans might be okay," Amy said cautiously.
"I know. Mommy says we have to like everyone, even if they're stupid and wrong. Well. That's not quite what mommy said. Mommy said we have to be tall and rant."
Amy began doodling trees and a blue sky with fluffy clouds. "Are you sure she didn't say 'tolerant'?"
"What's 'tolerant'?"
"It means... It means putting up with everyone, even stupid people."
Jasper considered. "Oh. Yeah, that sounds right. I wondered why you had to be tall and rant. Mommy doesn't like it when I yell, and Sam's not very tall. Why're you drawing trees?"
"I like them," Amy replied absently.
"You're an environmetalist, aren't you? I like trees, too." Jasper smiled. Amy smiled back. Jasper's good mood had returned.
They colored in comparative quiet for half an hour or so, and then Jasper wanted to go play with Chad, so they went to the living room. Chad was watching an opera on PBS. Jasper dragged out a teddy bear and a book—he said 'Green Eggs and Ham' was his very favorite—and sat on the couch with Amy. Chad was engrossed in Carmen and didn't seem to notice.
About ten minutes in to the opera, Jasper was fast asleep. Sam came downstairs, then ran back upstairs for the camera. He took four pictures, in spite of Amy's protests that they would wake Jasper up.
"He sleeps like a rock," Sam said.
"Shhh!!" Chad hissed.
"You should babysit more. Normally he's hard to put to bed."
Amy smiled. "He's... He's a handful. But he is pretty cute. I don't know. Maybe... Does he actually know how to read Green Eggs and Ham?"
Chad and Sam groaned in unison. "You have no idea," Sam muttered.
*
"Shut up! That never happened!" Jasper yelled. Felix hid a chuckle. Lisa was giggling madly. Cal was trying not to laugh and failing. Chad, who'd been telling the story, just shook his head.
Eric was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. "Awww. Poor widdew Japsew!!"
"Shut! Up!!"
Chad shrugged. "No, that's about what he was like as a kid. Why, Eric, what were you like?"
Eric went pale suddenly and stopped laughing. "I was... I was totally un-cute and... um, normal."
"Ha!!" Lisa cackled. "K, have I got a story for you guys..."
the end???
Now tell Rachel that you love her.
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