Lads Special -- Babysitting Eric

"Hey, y'all wanna hear about me?" Cal asked. "Checkitout... Bring on the jump cut!"

Grownups didn't paint walls purple. Did they?

"Cal shouldn't be any trouble," Mrs. Ledbetter said. "He's an angel. Oh, this is Mr. Ledbetter's sitar room."

Sarah looked hesitantly. There was a small orange room filled with lava lamps and bean bag chairs, with three sitars in the middle. Magazines like 'yoga journal' and 'incense monthly' were strewn about haphazardly.

"I've... I've never head sitar. Except the Beatles," Sarah said uncertainly.

"Well, maybe Cal will play the sitar for you later." Mrs. Ledbetter smiled. "He's probably in the living room. Now, if he wants dinner later there are tofu burgers you can heat up, and carrot sticks for snacks. If you get hungry help yourself; we have organic yogurt and some really great home made bread. Ooh, or if you get crazy, sugar free ice cream!" Mrs. Ledbetter winked. Sarah halfheartedly hoped she was winking because she knew sugar free ice cream was lame.

"Mr. Ledbetter and I will be at the town hall until the meeting is over or until we're arrested; either way we should be home by 1 AM. Is that okay?"

"Yeah," Sarah said. "Um. Is there anything Cal's not supposed to do?"

Mrs. Ledbetter considered for a minute. "No, not really. He's an angel. Have fun! Emergency numbers are on the fridge." She turned and hollered down the hall "Cal! Sarah's here!" She smiled and waved at Sarah and then wafted out the front door.

Sarah looked around uncertainly. Beaded curtains clicked gently in the breeze.

"You're Sarah?"

She turned. There was a boy standing in the hall. He looked bored, mostly, wearing a tie-dyed shirt and loose jeans. His hair was cropped so close he almost looked bald.

"Yeah. Cal, right?"

"Yeah." He sighed. "I'm ten. I don't need a baby-sitter. Just so you know."

"Well, I can be cool," Sarah said. "If you wanna invite a friend over, or order a pizza, or watch R-rated movies or something. I don't care."

Cal looked strangely at her. "Why would I want to do any of that?"

"Um... Because your parents are gone for the evening?"

Cal shook his head. "Nah, the only thing I want to do is crank the new Nirvana CD."

"Oh, I have that! 'Nevermind', right?" Sarah asked enthusiastically. Maybe the kid wasn't so weird after all. "It's really good. You a fan of Teen Spirit?"

"Kinda." Cal shrugged. "I'm not supposed to play it when mom and dad are home. It's too violent and depressing, they said."

"Sometimes you just have to turn up the music and scream lyrics, right? Totally." Sarah said.

"No. I've only figured out how to play half the songs on it. I need an evening to work out the rest."

"What?"

"I'll show you." Cal turned and headed back toward the living room. Sarah shrugged and followed him. He was definitely weird after all.

Cal wandered in to the living room—a haven of linen and bean bag chairs with colorful scarves draped everywhere. There was an acoustic guitar sitting on the couch. Cal sat down and began plucking the strings, making sure it was in tune.

Then he launched in to a note perfect rendition of Smells Like Teen Spirit. And then a perfect rendition of Come As You Are. And then a perfect rendition of Lithium.

"That's amazing!" Sarah gasped. "How did you learn those songs?"

"I listened to the cd," Cal shrugged. "I need more. Mostly I have records I've found at yard sales and stuff. I just play whatever I hear."

"No way," Sarah said. "No way you just listened to that and played it."

"Of course I did," Cal said. "Wanna hear something? I listen to music all the time. So I can play pretty much anything. Name something."

"Uh..." Sarah bit her lip. "Jimi Hendrix." Cal ripped through All Along the Watchtower. "Okay, Elvis Costello." Cal started in on The Angels Want to Wear My Red Shoes. "The Beatles?"

Cal gave her a dirty look. "Oh please. You wanna know how many Beatles' songs I can't play?"

"How many?"

"One. Helter Skelter. 'Cause that's just weird."

Sarah just shook her head. "You're amazing! You're like Doogie Howser on the guitar!"

"Who?"

"Doogie Howser... You know, the kid on tv who's a doctor, but he's only 16?"

"Oh. I don't watch tv."

"Ever?"

"Why would I? There are guitars to play. Songs to learn."

"But... You must do other stuff in your spare time..."

Cal frowned. "There are songs to play. What else could be more important?"

"I... I don't know. Beverly Hills 90210?"

"What?"

"Never mind. So, do you know different genres of music? Or just like, folky pop stuff?"

"Wanna hear some Def Leppard?"

Sarah laughed. "You know Def Leppard?"

"I found some records at a yard sale. I can do every solo Steve Clark or Phil Colleen ever wrote. Wanna hear?"

"All of them? No, not right now." Sarah shook her head. "You're amazing. You must spend all day playing guitar."

"Not really," Cal shrugged. "I spend a lot of it practicing accordion."

Sarah stared at Cal.

Cal shrugged again.

Sarah stared some more.

"What?" Cal demanded finally.

"Accordion? Who are you, Urkel?"

"Who's Urkel?"

"He's on tv! Jeez, get some culture! Why in the world would anyone play accordion?"

"I got bored with drums. And sitars. And guitars. And banjos. There are only so many variations on stringed instruments. So after I learned all about pianos I moved on to accordions."

Sarah just stared again. "My god," she said finally. "You're... You are Doogie Howser!"

"Is that better or worse than Urkel?"

"Better! Neil Patrick Harris is dreamy. Jaleel White is lame."

Cal sighed. "This whole story is just an excuse for the author to relive her pathetic pre-teen years, isn't it..."

"Who with the what now?" Sarah asked.

"She's dropping pop culture references left and right! Nirvana, Doogie Howser, Urkel, 90210, Def Leppard... Any minute now she'll start in on Bon Jovi or something—"

"Ooohhh, Bon Jovi," Sarah said, smiling. "He used to have really big hair, but he cut it and released that Bed of Roses song, and he's hot. And then there's Christian Slater in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves—"

"We get it," Cal said disgustedly. "She was around in '91, she knows what was cool. Okay?"

"Who?"

"The author."

"Who??"

"The author."

"What are you talking about?" Sarah demanded.

Cal sighed, as if he was talking to someone very, very stupid. "I have two special talents. First, I can play instruments. Any song, any instrument, any time. I rule."

"Modest much?"

"Who talks like that?"

"Girls on 90210."

"Grrrr! Second, I can break the 4th wall."

Sarah looked around. "I don't think your parents would want you breaking walls..."

"No, the fourth wall," Cal explained. "Like, I can talk about the author. And plot points. And plot inconsistencies. I expect both talents will just get stronger with age." He stopped and looked reflective. "Hey! Foreshadowing!"

"If you say so." Sarah shrugged. "I'm gonna watch tv. You learn to play Bryan Adams or something."

"K, but we only get PBS," Cal warned.

"Gah!" Sarah threw her hands up in defeat. "Fine! I'm going to go eat sugar free ice cream!" She stormed off toward the kitchen.

"Know what else I can do, 'cause I can break the fourth wall?" Cal called after her.

"What?"

"I can end scenes! And stories!"

"Oh yeah?" Sarah called back, opening the freezer. "How?"

"Like this!!"

"You're just bragging," Erik snapped.

Cal smiled beatifically. "Oh yeah? Am I wrong? One of you want to try and match me song for song or instrument for instrument? Or at breaking the fourth wall?"

"I wanna break the fourth wall," Jasper said, but quietly, to himself.

"Ha," Cal said, and nodded toward Felix. "Your turn. And don't let Becky's incredible love for you go to your head, k?"

Felix sighed. "Well. I'll try... But first, um, my house is... Well, it's the opposite of Cal's. It's like a museum. It's cold and you can't touch anything. Imagine what it must have been like, me growing up in that house..."

"Hey!" Chad perked. "That's from Ferris Bueler!"

"That was supposed to be my line," Jasper sulked.

Felix rolled his eyes. "Anyway..."

"Felix is grounded for the weekend, so you don't really have to worry about much. He isn't allowed to watch TV, or talk on the phone, or play that awful Mario game. Alice made lasagna last night, you can heat up the leftovers for dinner. If you need us, here's the number, but only call if it's terribly important, this is a very important dinner. Oh, and Felix's older sister is spending the night at a friend's house. If you want to have a friend over later, feel free; Felix won't be any problem. At least, he'd better not be."

"Er.... Right, Mrs. Ashkay," the baby-sitter agreed. He was a bit intimidated by the Ashkay household, and didn't want to picture what any kid who grew up in it would be like.

"Thank you so much for doing this. It's so hard to find a male baby-sitter, but we really feel that Felix will resent you less than a girl..."

"Oh, sure, it's no problem," Ryan agreed. He was a high school senior who looked a little rumpled. His shirt had a brown-orange-red design and was made of polyester, and his pants were baggy and had ripped out knees. "Lots of parents like to have a guy baby-sit for boys."

"Well, thank you. And one last thing, make very sure that Felix isn't reading any of that smut we caught him with. Only the books from his shelf."

"Um... 'kay," Ryan said, wondering what sort of ten-year-old was into smut. Mrs. Ashkay turned and left, and Ryan went looking for Felix. He found him upstairs in his room, lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling.

"Hey, man," Ryan greeted him. Felix has brown hair that had been slicked back, a starched white shirt that buttoned up the front, and black trousers. He looked deeply unhappy.

"Hi."

"So, uh... What're you grounded for?"

"Nothing," Felix muttered.

"Your mom said you were reading... Something..."

"Green Lantern," Felix sighed. He sat up. "And I didn't even get to finish the issue. But I don't really think Sinestro could kill GL, I mean, otherwise what would happen to the franchise?"

"Dunno...." Ryan was relieved to find out that Felix's mother's idea of 'smut' meant 'comic books.' "So which GL is it, Hal or Kyle?"

"It's a Hal Jordan classic. You read GL?"

"Eh... Sometimes. I'm more of a Superman/JLA guy."

Felix rolled his eyes. "Pleeeease. The only good thing about the JLA is Batman."

"What about GL? He's in it, too."

"Yeah, but they treat Kyle like he's Robin or something. I mean, he's okay, but he's no Hal."

"So.. uh, if your mom grounds you whenever you get caught with comics, how do you know so much about them?"

"I give Jeffrey my lunch money and he buys them. I keep them in my cubby at school, but stupid Janie found out and told Mom..."

"Janie?"

"My sister." He made a face. "She's a goody-two-shoes."

"I know the type," Ryan sympathized.

"But I beat her at Mario Brothers every time we play. Donkey Kong, too."

"Cool. Very cool," Ryan agreed. He somehow didn't think Mrs. Ashkay would approve of his baby-sitting if she'd realized they'd be having in-depth conversations about comic books and Nintendo. "So, uh, your Mom said you could read some stuff tonight?"

"Yeah. That." Felix gestured disgustedly at a shelf in the back of his spotless room--Ryan somehow suspected it was only spotless because of frequent inspections by his mother. He glanced over the titles, and only recognized a few: Of Mice and Men, and The Great Gatsby.

"Ah. I... er... Read Gatsby for English last year."

"It sucks."

"You've read it?"

"I was grounded last weekend, too. I was bored."

"What for?"

"Playing a CD with swear words."

"Really? What was it?"

"Nirvana. Mom and Dad hate it. So does Janie. But she likes New Kids on the Block." He made a face. "Mom and Dad don't care when she plays her music...."

"Ouch, I'm sorry. But Nirvana is pretty cool. My band is working on a cover of Polly."

"Really?" Felix's eyes lit up. "You're in a band?"

"Yeah. We're just a garage band now, but in a few years... Man, we're gonna rock. I brought my bass with me, in case you fell asleep or something."

"Which one is that?"

"The bass? It's... It's the one..." Ryan faltered. "It's the... er... low one."

"No, I mean what kind of bass? J-bass? Fender? Or was it one of those weird violin bass things that Paul McCartney played?"

Ryan stared. "How... How do you..."

"I want to play guitar or bass or something. Mom wants me finish three years of piano first, though." He made a face. "Only half a year left to go."

"Wait, you've wanted to play since you were seven?"

"Yeah." Felix shrugged. "Can I see your bass? Pleeeease? Mom never said anything about that when she said I was grounded, I just can't watch TV or anything..."

"Uh... okay," Ryan agreed.

The night went by pretty quickly after that. Felix watched Ryan play for awhile, and then tried a little bit. Ryan called a friend who brought over his guitar and they jammed (quietly; neither had an amp), and ordered pizza instead of taking the offered lasagna. Ryan even promised to look the other way for long enough for Felix to play a few games of Nintendo, although that lasted longer than he'd thought and Felix was still playing when a car pulled in around eleven.

"Crap, I'm sorry you're gonna have to turn it off."

"It's okay."

"But... You were on level forty-seven! There were only three levels left!"

"It wouldn't even have been a high score," Felix assured him, then shut it off and dashed upstairs before his mother walked in.

"How was everything?" she asked.

"Uh... Great, Mrs. Ashkay. I haven't heard a peep from Felix since he went to bed...."

"Oh, wonderful!"

"He seems like a cool kid."

"He needs to apply himself more," she said disapprovingly. "But thank you very much for sitting."

"Oh, any time. Like I said, he's pretty cool for a kid."

"Really? Because we were planning on having dinner at the mayor's next weekend, but couldn't find anyone...."

"That was dull," Eric complained.

"What, because nothing exploded?" Felix asked.

"So you learned to play bass from that guy?"

"Yep."

"And that was the whole point of that entire story?" Cal demanded.

"Yep. Well, that and I play Nintendo and read comic books."

"You are a geek," Lisa muttered.

"That's why Becky loves me," he answered.

"She's got weird taste."

"Er. Anyway," Cal said. "I now use my magic power to end the story."

There was a moment's silence, and then everyone sort of shrugged.