"The thing is," Jasper said in a quiet voice, "I don't understand why this is necessary."
Eric rolled his eyes and would have sighed dramatically, but he didn't want to give Jasper the satisfaction. "That's because you're new here."
"Oh." There was a long pause, and Eric could almost hear (he had his back to Jasper) the other boy opening and shutting his mouth, trying to formulate another sentence that wouldn't upset Eric. "So... So if I'd been here for a couple of years I'd understand this?"
"Probably. Now stop bothering me."
"Oh."
Eric's foot began to fall asleep. He was crouched behind the hedge around the Lower Garden, glaring angrily through a gap in the greenery. Eric shook his foot out quietly.
"So... So we're spying?" Jasper said hesitantly, quietly.
"Yes. Obviously. Be quiet."
"Um."
Eric pushed the bush slightly to the left with one hand to get a better view of the four metal benches around the giant fountain. His parents had strange taste in gardens. The Lower Garden was all hedges and mazes and fountains and benches and statues of wood nymphs. Eric would have preferred things like firing ranges and those houses fire departments set on fire all the time to test their skill.
"Eric?"
"What?"
"Um. Why are we spying on benches?"
"What?"
"Well..." Jasper hesitated again. "I mean, if there were people sitting on them, I'd understand, y1know, but... like, the benches aren't doing much. I'm sure you have a reason, I think, but like.. What are you waiting for the benches to do?"
"What are you babbling about?"
"Oh, oh, I get it; they're alien benches!"
"No."
"They're CIA benches with remote control motor thingies and they're going to attack us in our sleep, right?"
"No."
"But... They're evil benches... right?"
Eric turned around and actually took his sunglasses off. "Jasper," he said, cocking his head, "how could a bench be evil?"
"I don't know. You said my sandwich was evil."
"It was. Who eats cream cheese and olive sandwiches? Seriously."
"I do!"
"My point."
There was a long, long pause. Jasper looked like he wanted to argue, but couldn't quite figure out what to say. Eric looked like he wanted to smack Jasper upside the head, but couldn't quite justify it. Stalemate.
"We aren't spying on benches, Jasper."
"Oh." There was a shorter pause. "Is the fountain evil, then?"
"Nothing is evil!!!" Eric yelled. Jasper looked scared. Eric took a deep breath. "Don't be an idiot for just a sec, please, 'k? We are waiting for people to come and sit on these benches, so we can spy on them... That's what's going on."
"Ohhh. That makes more sense."
"Remind me why I didn't bring Cal or Felix?"
"Felix is sure he's flunked out of school, so they're relaxing, watching the Jenny Washington marathon. This hour: 'Are You Too Fat to Read Books'? And I think Cal's a little nervous about the big band contest coming up, 'cause he has to go up against his long lost love—" even Jasper rolled his eyes at that "—Greta. I don't have rehearsal until later, thank God, so I was free."
"Ah, right." Eric turned away again, to stare through the bushes.
"Besides," Jasper chattered happily, "you and I never bond, you know? It's always me and Felix, and you and your computer, and Cal and the readers. Never you and me."
"That's because I'm going to punch you if you don't stop talking." Eric turned back to stare through the bushes some more and Jasper sighed sulkily and put his chin on his hands. He was squeezed under a bush behind Eric and he kept getting twigs stuck in his hair. Not a fun way to spend a morning.
"How long are we gonna hafta stay here?" Jasper whined, and suddenly Eric began frantically waving his arms around behind him. It either meant "shut up!" or "the cabin's exits can be found HERE, HERE and HERE!!!" and since they weren't on an airplane, Jasper shut up.
Eric saw three girls walk in to the garden and sit down on the benches. The first one in was tall and blond, although the tips of her hair were pink. She was wearing sparkly pink lipstick and eye shadow and blush, and it made her sort of look like a big wad of chewed bubble gum was stuck to her face. The proportion of her clothing to her body seemed slightly out of whack; she was pretty, but a doctor could have done a physical exam without really asking her to take anything off.
Behind her was her polar opposite; a girl with strawberry blond hair and a tie-dyed shirt and loose jeans, with a daisy stuck behind her ear. She was carrying a guitar and humming to herself.
The third girl walked by, and Eric narrowed his eyes and made a growling noise deep in his throat. Then he un-narrowed his eyes, because he couldn't see very well. She was tall and black haired, just wearing jeans and a shiny shirt, but she swaggered when she walked.
"Do we have to sit outside?" the pink haired girl, Genevieve, whined.
"Yes," said the black haired girl, Jolene, sitting on a bench. Genevieve sat down beside her.
"But there are bugs!" Genevieve wailed. "And there's wind and it's messing up my hair! And there's... Umm.. You know. Bad outdoors stuff."
"Like fresh air," the third girl, Greta, put in.
"Yeah!" Genevieve whined. "Like fresh air. Ewwww!"
Greta sighed. "No, Gen, I was kidding. Fresh air is good."
"Then why isn't it on TRL?" Genevieve demanded.
Greta opened her mouth to answer, realized it was hopeless, and turned to Jolene. "So. Have you decided what song you want to play at the contest yet?"
"Something that will utterly destroy Eric Donnely and all his hopes and dreams!" Jolene replied, rubbing her hands together gleefully.
"Great, Jo, but like, what key is that in?" Greta replied.
"The key of vicious, soul destroying revenge!!!" Jolene cackled. "Mwahahahaha!!!!"
There was a long time where Greta and Genevieve just stared at Jolene, mouths open.
Jolene took a deep breath. "What?" she demanded crossly. "You know perfectly well that I hate him and want him to die as painfully as possible."
"I know. We all want Eric to die," Greta said comfortingly. "But can you, like, keep the maniacal laughter to a minimum? We don't really want to attract a crowd." She looked around nervously, and Eric held perfectly still.
"I was thinking we should play 'Appearance Of My Heart'," Jolene said.
"Oooh, yeah! I play bass on that one!" Genevieve perked.
"You play bass on all our songs," Greta said patiently.
"Oh. Right." Genevieve pulled a pink lollypop out of her pocket and began to suck on it.
"Actually I was thinking we could play it because it's a power ballad, so we all sound really impressive. Nothing down tempo. That'd be dull. You win these things with choreography, overwhelming vocals and big smiles."
"And sparkly matching outfits!" Genevieve put in.
Jolene ignored her. "What did you want to play, Greta?"
"I was thinking 'It's Gonna Be Us' or maybe 'Kiss Me, Baby, One Last Time.'" Greta shrugged. "I don't really care, though."
"Will the judges be cute?" Genevieve cooed. "If they're cute I can get us the win! I hope they're cute! I'll wear my little short-shorts and the halter top with the sparkles and my go-go boots! Remember last year? I sat on the judges' laps! That got us at least ten extra points."
"Right," Jolene nodded. "Genevieve will be cute, Greta, you look musical, and I..." she paused to giggle maniacally again.
"You'll what?" asked Genevieve.
"I'll plot Eric's destruction!" Jolene crowed.
"Oh, not again," Greta sighed.
Behind Eric, Jasper mumbled, "This sucks. I can't hear anything 'cause I have twigs in my ears."
"Shhh!" Eric hissed.
Greta looked up sharply. "I think I heard something," she said softly, turning her head slowly from side to side. Eric froze again.
"I1m going to sneeze," Jasper whispered.
"No!" Eric hissed angrily.
"I can't help it!" Jasper whispered back. "It's..." sniff "it's a..." SNIFF "plot device!" and he sneezed.
"Over there!" Genevieve yelled, and she and Jolene jumped to her feet. Greta ran over to the hedge. Eric jumped to his feet, almost falling over Jasper, who was also trying to stand up, but his hair had gotten snagged on one of the bushes.
"Eric!" Greta yelled. "It's Eric Donnely!"
If you were watching Jolene's face carefully—and Eric was, because he didn't trust her at all—you would have seen a brief look of absolute hatred cross it, then slip off to be replaced with a vaguely blank stare and a flaky smile.
"Eric?" Genevieve said, coming up behind Greta. "Oh, and that... Ummm... The other boy they play with. J... John?"
"Jasper," Jasper said, finally untangling his hair and straightening up. He had little scratch marks on his nose and twigs in his hair, and he looked unhappy about the whole thing.
"No, that's not it," Genevieve replied, shaking her head. "Not John... James? Jules?"
"Jasper," Jasper repeated crossly.
"Stop trying to confuse me," Genevieve snapped.
"What are you doing here, Eric?" Greta demanded. "Shouldn't you be off with your loser friends, practicing your loser songs so you can lose the contest?"
"Gee, you know one whole adjective," Eric replied. "I'm impressed."
"Why were you spying on us?" Greta said, folding her arms.
"Whatever. It's just Eric," Jolene said, in a valley girl accent. "Don't get all freaked, Greta. Like, he can, like, spy on us all he wants, but, like, he still can't win."
"Joey? No... Jamie?"
"Jasper!" Jasper yelled.
"Why couldn't I have brought Felix or Cal?" Eric moaned. "I bet they'd have been useful. Or at least quiet. I bet they're having fun right now."
*
"Jenny Washington will be right back, after these commercials!"
Cal, sitting on the couch next to Felix, sighed as women selling apple-flavored diet pills appeared in bikinis on the TV. Felix shook his head.
They waited while the commercial ran. Then they waited some more. Another commercial. And another. And another.
"Umm..." Felix said hesitantly. "Since, like, the narrative is here now and all, should we, umm, say something?"
"No no, this is irony," Cal replied.
"Oh."
*
Jolene smiled brightly, fakely, at Eric. "So are you gonna keep spying on us? Shouldn't you have, like, super spy equipment to do that for you?"
Eric growled. "Shut up."
"If we catch you spying again, we'll have you killed," Greta snapped.
"Aren't you a hippie?" Eric asked.
"I'm an angry hippie," Greta replied. "Don't push me."
"Jim? George?"
"George starts with a g," Jasper said crossly.
"Oh. Sorry."
"It's ok."
Greta put her hands on her hips. "You scurry home, Eric, and tell your loser friends what you overheard, and see if it does you any damn good. You'll still lose to us, and you'll still suck at the contest and we'll trounce you like we do every year."
Eric narrowed his eyes. "We'll see," he said threateningly.
"'We'll see' is not a threat, Eric. At least not a very good one."
"We'll see," Eric repeated, even more threateningly.
"It's not a threat, even when it's italicized," Greta smirked.
"Come on, Jasper," Eric snapped. "Let's go back to the dorm."
"Not until she acknowledges my name!" Jasper said, pointing at Genevieve.
Genevieve stuck her tongue out at him. Jasper narrowed his eyes and took a step toward her, hands out to strangle.
"Now, Jasper," Eric hollered, grabbing Jasper's arm and dragging him away.
"Buh-bye!" Jolene called after them.
"Bye-eeee Jeff!" Genevieve yelled.
Greta turned to her, frowning. "You know his name, right?"
Genevieve rolled her eyes dramatically. "Of course I know his name. It's Jean." She put her pink lollipop back in her mouth. "Can we go back inside to plot now? I wanna watch TRL. I'm bored."
"And TRL will fix that somehow?" Greta asked, confused.
"What?"
"Never mind."
*
"Rehearsal sucks," Jasper pouted.
"We all know that," Eric replied. "Now go up on stage and get punched by Rock or something." He gave Jasper a little shove toward the stage.
Jasper stuck his tongue out at Eric and walked over to the stage. Almost no one was at rehearsal yet. Eric was just waiting for Cal and Felix to show so he could tell them about their exciting adventures spying on LolRock. This seemed odd to Jasper, because it hadn't been very exciting, and it hadn't been very informative. At least, not for Jasper. He hadn't been able to hear anything.
Jasper sat down on the edge of the stage and waited. About thirty seconds later Lisa appeared in front of him. Jasper jumped.
"Isn't my shirt cute?" she demanded.
Jasper bit his lip. "Ummm... I'd be cuter in it." Lisa punched him on the thigh. "What? I would," Jasper pouted.
"You know nothing about girls," Lisa snapped. "Tell me how cute I am."
"Oh. I mean, of course, you're super super super... umm... oh, cute! Right! Yeah, totally!"
Lisa rolled her eyes. "That was unconvincing. So... What's Eric so worked up about?" She pointed. Eric was pacing and rubbing his hands together maniacally, muttering under his breath.
"We were spying on LolRock. I guess he heard something interesting."
"Like what?"
"Dunno," Jasper shrugged. "I was stuck on some twigs." He pointed to his nose, which was still scratched.
"Awwww!" Lisa cooed. "I'll kiss it and make it all better!"
"Uh, no, no that's okay, really," Jasper protested, scrambling backward. She leaped up on the stage to follow him.
"Hold still!" Lisa hollered. "I'm being nice!!!!"
"Uh, no, really, I uh... I don't know how to react to people being nice," Jasper said quickly, still backing away.
Lisa smiled and wiggled her eyebrows. "Ohhhh," she said. "You like it when I'm mean..." "That's not what I meant—"
They were both on their feet, backing across the stage, when Jasper heard the strangest noise. He looked up, just in time to see the bar that held up the main curtain start to crack. Lisa looked up, too, took a deep breath for a girly, piercing scream, then realized that wouldn't do any good, grabbed Jasper's arm, and dove for the back of the stage. The two of them fell in a heap just a foot or so from where the giant metal rod came crashing down, splitting the wooden stage.
Jasper sat up, looked at the metal bar that would have crushed him and Lisa like ants, and fell over backward in a daze. Lisa sat up, looked at the bar, and decided not to waste all the air she'd inhaled earlier.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!" she shrieked.
"What was that?" Eric asked, walking over.
"Someone is trying to kill me!!" Lisa wailed. "I told you about this and you didn't believe me!!! It's true!!"
"I believe you," Jasper said faintly.
"It was just a stupid accident," Eric shrugged.
"It was sabotage," Lisa snapped.
"It was just an accident!"
"Listen, all of y'all, it was sabotage!!!"
Eric rolled his eyes. "Stop overreacting. Hey, Jasper, get up; Cal and Felix are here. We have to tell them about this morning."
"But..." Jasper said hazily. "Oh. Right."
"I can't believe my own brother doesn't care that someone is trying to kill me!!" Lisa yelled.
Eric looked at her and frowned. "Lisa, I've been trying to kill you for years."
"Oh. Good point."
Jasper got unsteadily to his feet and followed Eric to the back of the theater. He kept glancing nervously at the ceiling. Behind him, Lisa was still pouting.
Cal and Felix were waiting near the door. "Hey," Eric greeted them. "Have an exciting morning?"
Cal and Felix exchanged a glance. "Uh... Yeah."
"Someone... I think I almost died," Jasper said shakily.
"What, did you run out of coffee?"
"No! Then I would have died," Jasper explained.
"Ignore him. He's beginning to take Lisa seriously. He must be losing his mind." Eric turned to Felix and Cal. "You guys, the LolRock girls are up to something."
"Really?" Cal asked.
"Yeah. Jolene was being all evil and cackling, and plotting my death. Which is ok, I mean, I'm plotting hers, but—"
"Um, Eric?" Felix interrupted. "Jolene? Plotting? Isn't she a little... flaky and dumb for that?"
"No! She's secretly evil, I've told you that. Jasper, you heard her, right?"
Jasper shrugged. "I heard some voices, talking. I couldn't really hear any of it clearly."
"Augh!!" Eric yelled. "But... But she used an evil, deranged laugh!"
"Um... I heard someone laughing. I think." Jasper shrugged again apologetically. "I had twigs in my ears. It was hard to hear." He began to pout. "And my nose is all scratched up!"
"What," Felix sighed, "do you want me to kiss it and make it better?"
"NO!!" Jasper yelled, backing up a step. "Make everyone stop saying that!!"
The other three lads stared at him for a minute, then collective shrugged and turned away. "Look, she's definitely evil," Eric said. "I know what I heard."
"If you say so, I guess," Cal shrugged. "But she seems kinda flaky to be evil to me. Do you have any other proof?"
"If I had proof," Eric said darkly, "I'd still have all my legos, now wouldn't I?!?" He glared balefully at Cal.
"Oooookay," Cal said, turning to Felix. He made the universal finger-twirling-around-his-ear hand gesture that meant 'Eric is crazier than a room full of Republicans discussing supply side economics.'
"Eric's being creepy and he's scaring me and I almost died," Jasper complained. "I mean, not died from him being creepy. Died died. You know. Like when you die?"
"It was just a stupid accident," Eric shrugged.
Jasper glared at him for a second, then muttered "I'm gonna go back over to the stage, where people care that I almost died." He turned and walked off.
"I'd ask him who he meant by that, but it'd just be too mean," Eric said sadly.
Jasper walked (okay, flounced) back over to the stage sulkily. Lisa was inspecting the metal bar. "Hey, J, come look at this," she called, kneeling by the end.
"What?" he asked.
"The end of the bar... It looks kind of odd." She pointed. Jasper swung himself up on stage and walked over the curtain to where she was waiting. "See the end? Doesn't that look weird to you?"
Jasper knelt beside her, frowning. The bar was cleanly cut through, but there were little marks on the end, like... "Like a saw," Jasper muttered. "Wow, how'd you notice that?"
"I live with Eric. You think I don't know what deliberate sabotage looks like?" Lisa asked.
"Good point." He paused. "You care that I almost died, right?"
Lisa put her hands on her hips. "You care that I almost died, right?"
"Well, sure."
"Then so do I."
"Good."
"Fine."
There was a weird, awkward pause.
Just then Madame Blanche entered, with Bo "the Rock" Kentun by her side. "What have you done to my stage??" she hollered. "Miss Donnely? Mr. Tulsi? Dear God!"
Jasper and Lisa jumped guiltily to their feet. "We didn't do anything," Jasper insisted quickly. "Someone cut the bar and it fell and almost killed us!"
The LolRock girls walked in behind Madame Blanche. "Wouldn't that just have been too bad," Jolene cooed. The three of them began to giggle.
"I don't care what your excuse is, Jasper," Madame Blanche yelled. "You can't just go around destroying school property at will, like you were Eric Donnely or something!"
"But—"
"Detention!" Madame Blanche proclaimed. She sounded awfully happy about it. "Detention for a month!"
"But—"
"Jasper didn't do it!" Lisa yelled.
"She's just saying that 'cause she wishes he was her boyfriend," Genevieve giggled. "Jacob and Lisa, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-y-n... wait, k-s-s-i-n-i..."
"Jacob?" Lisa asked, confused.
"Don't. Ask," Jasper muttered.
"Oh. Um, ok."
"Now, can we move that thing off my stage so we can begin rehearsal, please?" Madame Blanche demanded. She looked around. "Cal! Felix! Eric! Move the metal rod off the stage!"
"Make Rock do it. He's huge!" Lisa complained. Rock grinned at her. "Ewww. Not like that."
"Do it! Now!" Madame Blanche hollered. The three lads grumbled, but the walked over to the stage to move the bar. "Now," Madame Blanche said, walking up and taking a seat in the front row, "let's see how terrible this will be today..."
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