Wednesday morning was when Felix was slated to get his test back. He'd already packed his suitcase and put his belongings in a box. Jasper was perched on his bed, watching Felix sniffle as he put his CDs in to a carry case.
"You're not going to flunk out," Jasper said comfortingly. "I mean, probably not. Ok, so you probably didn't do very well, but I think you're over reacting. Unless you really really bombed it, in which case you should, like, not even bother to get the test back 'cause the teacher will just laugh at you." Felix turned to him and glared. "Oh, but that probably won't happen!" Jasper said hastily. "I mean... probably."
"You aren't helping, Jasper."
"Oh. Sorry. Would it help if I said I think Lisa's right, and the bar at rehearsal really was sabotaged?"
"How would that help?"
"Well... It wouldn't really. But it does establish kind of an important plot point."
Felix pointed accusingly at Jasper. "You're getting carried away with this whole 'breaking the fourth wall' thing. If you're not more careful, you won't be allowed to do it anymore."
"I only did it once!" Jasper protested.
"That's twice since this story started, which is only nine pages. Cal's only done it once."
"Oh. Sorry. Anyway, my point was, that you're not going to flunk this test, get thrown out of school, get transferred to the Academy, lose all your friends, and die a lonely, miserable person." Jasper smiled brightly. "Probably. Unless you do."
"Stop talking Jasper. Seriously." Felix sighed dramatically. "Tha's it. I give up, I guess I'll just go to class and get my test back so I can suffer in peace."
"Should I come? For moral support?"
"No. Dear God, no. Shouldn't you be... practicing your songs for the musical, or the drumming on the song we're playing for the contest?"
"I'd feel better if we just had a band name."
"Great. You stay here and figure out a band name, and I'll go get my test. Then I1ll throw myself off the top of the building. Should be a good morning."
"Moopy Fruitloops," Jasper said.
Felix blinked. "Sorry?"
"Moopy Fruitloops."
"Jasper... are you speaking in code? Or did your brain just melt?"
"No, Moopy Fruitloops!"
"You can keep saying it, but it's still not English."
"It's a band name!" Jasper said, exasperated.
"You need to take less crack," Felix said. "Now think of something that doesn't sound like unhappy breakfast cereal." He grabbed his coat and his keys. "I'll be back later, either to kill myself or to celebrate."
"What about Hypothetical Jello? Or—"
"Tell me later, Jasper." Felix hurried out.
*
"Jasper!"
Jasper winced, then realized it wasn't Lisa yelling his name. It was Eric. This was deeply confusing. He stopped and turned around.
Eric looked nervous. More than that he looked unhappy. He ran down the hallway, and skidded to a stop next to Jasper.
"Eric?" Jasper asked hesitantly.
"Hey there," Eric said.
"Okay... What's wrong?"
Eric crossed his arms and glared through his glasses. "What?" he demanded crossly. "What? Why does anything have to be 'wrong'? Why can't I just be running down the hallway to talk to you?"
"Because you would never, never do that."
"Interesting point." Eric considered for a minute. "Ok, fair enough. I need to talk to you."
"Are you sick? Are you dying? Did you blow up the White House and you need me to take the fall?" Jasper was highly suspicious.
"No no no, nothing like that." Eric paused. "Though would you keep that thought in mind for next week?"
"What?"
"Hang on..."
Jasper waited. And waited. Eric seemed to be doing facial exercises. Or something. He kept twitching his mouth strangely. Maybe he had rabies. Jasper glanced over his shoulder to make sure there was enough room to run if he needed it.
Then he realized something even more horrifying; Eric was trying to smile. Not grimace, not cackle madly, not gloat. Smile. Be friendly. "Stop it!" Jasper yelled. "Stop! It's unhealthy! That thing parents say about how your face won't crack? It doesn't apply to you! Stop!!"
"This is important, Jasper," Eric said.
"I'm listening, okay, just don't... smile." Jasper shuddered.
Eric was on the verge of pouting. "Was it that bad?"
"Probably the scariest thing I've ever seen."
"Really..." Eric paused, made a mental note on his 'Scary' list, and then went on. "Look, I need... I need a... Umm... You know that thing where you do something because it1s nice?"
"Human decency?"
"No, not that. The other one."
"Being liberal?"
"No, the other one!"
"Being... not you?"
Eric glared at Jasper. He glared very very darkly. For some reason, it made Jasper feel better, or at least feel less like Eric had been replaced by some sort of alien robot. "No, the one where... Where I need something, and you're nice, so you do it? But not because I pay you, just because you're nice and stuff. Not that I'm saying you're nice. I'm saying hypothetically."
"Oh. A favor!" Jasper bounced up and down. "You mean a favor! Where I do something for you..." He grinned. "And then you owe me! Hee!"
"What if I just don't kill you?"
"No deal. If you want a favor, I get a favor, to be cashed in at some future date. Probably when Lisa's strangling me."
"Argh... Ok, but it's a two part favor."
Jasper was suspicious, but the idea of having Eric owe him a favor was fabulous. "Ok. Deal."
Eric smiled, but this time it was a crafty, evil smile, so it was ok. "Well, first, I need to you agree to come to dinner at my house Thursday night. My parents... want to... umm... 'meet' my friends."
"Sure."
There was a long pause. "'Sure'?" Eric mimicked suspiciously. "For real? No arguing? No whining? No pleading?"
Jasper shrugged. "Nah. I like parents. Not mine, but other people's I mean. That's no big."
Eric shook his head. "Wow. You are crazy, you know that? So the other thing is you have to persuade Felix to go, too."
"Why wouldn't he want to go?"
Eric grinned evilly and wiggled his eyebrows behind his sunglasses. "Heh. My parents... are crazy!!!!"
*
Felix was missing most of the day. Wednesday night was The West Wing night in Eric's room, because Eric had surround sound, and none of the lads wanted to miss any of the dialogue. Jasper perched on the couch so he could jump up and yell when Republicans came on screen. Cal and Eric sat on the floor.
"Oooh, look! It's my new girlfriend, CJ!" Cal pointed.
"She's not your new girlfriend," Eric said flatly. "I thought Donna was your new girlfriend."
"No. Definitely CJ. Umm... does anyone know where Felix is?"
"Ask questions during the commercials!!" Jasper snapped.
Eric and Cal exchanged a glance and let it go until the show faded in to a commercial. "I mean," Cal continued, "I haven't seen him all day."
"He's probably hiding out," Eric said. "I bet the FBI is on his tail."
"For what? Bad grades? They don't arrest you for that. They make you President," Jasper said bitterly.
"Jasper..." Cal said warningly. "Much like the West Wing, this is a leftward leaning story. But that1s no reason to make cheap jokes at the monkey's—sorry, I mean, the new President's expense."
"What's the point of having a forum, if you can't voice your views?" Jasper demanded.
"I think that was actually Toby's point in tonight's episode," Cal said.
"Ahem. The story?" Eric demanded.
"Oh. Right," Cal acknowledged. "I mean, I'm sure Felix is fine. He's probably just moved to Paris or something."
"Why Paris?" Eric asked.
"I hear it's lovely this time of year. Beautiful plumage."
"That's parrots. Not Paris." Jasper frowned. "And I'm ashamed of you for making that joke."
"I'm ashamed of you, too," Felix said.
The three lads looked up. "Well?" Jasper squeaked. "Well????"
Felix grinned. "Seventy eight," he said.
"Pop culture references in this story? Times we've broken the fourth wall? Stupid jokes?" Cal demanded.
"My grade." Felix clarified. "I got a seventy eight."
"That's passing!" Jasper yelled. He jumped off the couch and ran over to give Felix a hug. "You passed! You passed you passed you passed you passed you passed! Yay!" Cal and Eric got up to congratulate Felix too, although they did it with less bouncing.
"Yeah, I passed," Felix grinned. "And then I had the coolest day! First there was this supermodel, and—"
"Augh! Not right now! The West Wing is back on! I love me some Sam and Josh," Jasper hollered, running back for the couch.
"The contest is Friday. Shouldn't we be... practicing or something?" Felix asked.
"Do you not understand the inviolable quality of the West Wing?" Cal demanded, staring at the TV. "Inviolable!"
"You've been watching too much of this show," Felix said warily. "I don't even know what that word means."
"Secure from violation or profanation, or secure from assault or trespass. It's a synonym for unassailable."
"See, this is why my grades need help, and you guys... you just need help." Felix shrugged. "So after the show is over, can we practice?"
Jasper and Cal shrugged, settling back on the couch. "LolRock is going to kick our asses, you know that, right?" Felix demanded.
"Are they going to do it during the West Wing?" Jasper asked.
"No."
"Then it's not important right now."
Felix sighed and sat down on the floor beside the couch. "Hey! It's Dana! From Sports Night!"
"And she's eeeeevil," Eric chuckled gleefully, rubbing his hands together.
"I love this show."
*
"Do you think we're ready for the competition Friday?"
Jasper was sitting on his bed in his pajamas, with his chin on his knees. Felix looked at him and rolled his eyes. "Why?" He really just wanted to turn the lights off and go to bed. It had been a terribly stressful day.
"Rehearsal tonight seemed... off."
"That's because Eric blew up his amp."
"Cal seemed off."
"That's because Eric blew up his amp, too."
"I'm just worried that we're going to screw up and LolRock is going to beat us and be all smug and we'll all end up working at McDonalds, living in cardboard boxes and dying alone."
"How will losing a band contest cause any of that to happen?" Felix asked.
"You know. Everything is interconnected. Like... stuff."
"Stuff?"
"Stuff. It happens, and then because of that, other stuff happens. Or sometimes, stuff happens, and you look back and realize it was the stuff before that made it happen."
"Post hoc, ergo propter hoc?" Felix asked.
Jasper stared at him blankly. "Please tell me that wasn't English."
"It wasn't English."
"Ok, now tell me what it was."
"Latin. Ha. I thought you watched a lot of West Wing. That's an episode title."
"What does it mean?" Jasper demanded.
Felix was grinning now. "You don't love the show as much as you thought you did."
"Yes I do!"
"No you don't."
"Yes I do!"
"No you don't." Felix actually stuck his tongue out.
Jasper crossed his arms sulkily. "Fine. Bully. I don't want to play your stupid reindeer games anymore."
"You don't want to play my what?"
Jasper pointed at him accusingly. "You have stupid reindeer games and I'm not going to play them!"
Felix blinked uncertainly. "Look..." he said hesitantly. "I have no idea what you think that sentence meant. But I'm pretty sure if I had reindeer games I would have noticed by now."
Jasper just sulked more.
Felix sighed, a giant martyred sigh. "Fine. Post hoc, ergo propter hoc means 'After it, therefore because of it.' As in, just because something happens later, doesn't mean it was caused by what happened earlier. So if you and I end up living in a cardboard box working at McDonalds, it won't necessarily be because of screwing up the contest. Not that we will screw up the contest. And also, ha! Cal thinks he's so smart with his vocabulary. Well, my random Latin quote totally trumps his random dictionary quote! Ha!"
Jasper looked skeptical. "See, this is just another example of your reindeer games."
"I don1t have reindeer games!" Felix yelled. "Like, what, Santa-Hide-And-Seek? Eat Some Yummy Grass? Be A Stupid Reindeer? What reindeer games are you talking about?"
Jasper pouted sulkily.
"Look," Felix sighed, "you have to pick; pouting or sulking. If you pout while you sulk, you'll pull this story in to the scary nether realm of WB teen dramas, and no one wants that. So if you'd rather your roommate was Dawson, and you just have to have long angsty conversations about why no one understands you, and never be allowed to watch the West Wing again, go ahead and sulk poutily."
"I'm not sulking poutily. I'm pouting sulkily. And I'm not acting like Dawson! I'm acting like Scarlett O'Hara."
"The first time you pretend to cry and then look up and smile all craftily, I'm kicking you out of my room."
"Frankly, I don't give a—"
"G rated story!"
"Oh, we lost that so long ago."
"Well, no need to push the envelope. This isn't HBO."
"It's a classic movie! That's a classic quote!"
"We are so far off topic, it's possible we can't even see the plot from here."
"Fine. We should go to bed, then."
"Finally." Felix rolled his eyes and got under his blanket. He had just turned the light off when Jasper piped up again.
"Wait, there's something else, though. Eric is being weird."
"Why is that news?"
"No, he asked me for a favor!"
Felix stared at Jasper. "No he didn't."
"He did. I swear! He wanted me to get you to come have dinner with his parents."
"No way. No way! I did that once, man, never again!"
"What happened? How could they be worse than Eric himself? I mean... he said they're weird, so it must be off the scale weird, but..."
"You. Don't. Know. You can't imagine the truth. You can't handle the truth!"
"Umm... you know that's a stolen line, right?"
"Of course."
"Just checking. Seriously. What's it going to take for you to agree to come to his house for dinner?"
Felix considered. "It's horrible. It's awful. It's unspeakably weird!"
"What if I buy you some pizza?"
"Deal!" Jasper said happily.
A minute or two passed.
"I just think you should know, Jasper, that by agreeing to this dinner, I am not under any circumstances playing reindeer games with you. Whatever that might possibly mean."
Authors' notes: First, the episode of The West Wing that the Lads were watching was The Leadership Breakfast. Toby is a grumpy idealist who works for the President; Josh and Sam are less-grumpy idealists who also work for the President. It's an amazing show and on at 9PM on NBC on Wednesday nights.
We apologize for getting so side tracked during that last bit. We were playing reindeer games with ourselves, feel free to yell at us. Actually, we were mocking our own real speech patterns, because... Well... You try telling your friends that you don't want to play their stupid reindeer games any more and see how many strange looks you get.
And also, it was about 2 AM. Go fig.