"Where. Is. He???" Eric said again. His voice was about two octaves above where it normally was.
"Relax," Cal said. "He'll be here."
"Where is Jasper? Where???" Eric demanded. "I'll kill him. I'll chop him up in to tiny bits and then I'll put all the bits in a bag and then I'll jump on the bag, and then—"
"Then you'll stop channeling Arthur Dent and you'll move on with your life," Cal said. "He's probably off finding coffee. Or being nervous. You know J. He's off bouncing up and down somewhere."
"Uh... But the first act is already over," Felix pointed out. "And Eddie and the Pirates are almost done. Then there are only two acts before us. And we don't know where our drummer is."
"He'll be here," Cal said again.
"Hey, guys!" Lisa said, walking up to them. "Way to get the stage fixed."
"Thanks," Eric said absently. "Have you seen Jasper?"
The club burst in to applause. Eddie and the Pirates waved and walked off stage. The MC walked onstage. "Hey, ladies and gentlemen! We're thrilled to death to announce that we have a very special guest with us tonight — ladies and gentlemen, Mayor Riley is here!!"
There was tentative applause. The new mayor still wasn't very popular.
"What's he doing here?" Lisa asked.
"Seems a little odd. Lisa, go find Jasper!!" Eric pointed imperiously.
"Eric, go jump off a cliff!" she retorted, sticking her tongue out at him. "You can't tell me what to do!"
"Do you want LolRock to win, again? Go!" Eric demanded.
"Do you want me to kick your ass from here to Toronto and back again?" Lisa shot back.
"And now, ladies and gentlemen, the next band. Let's have a hearty round of applause for Angelcake!"
There was some half-hearted applause and five guys in full goth-gear walked on stage and began playing sonic noise. Cal shook his head.
"Two bands 'till us. Go! Lisa, go now!!"
"Eric, you can go—"
Felix interrupted hastily, "Let's call a truce in the Donelly household, just for the moment, okay? Please? Just for a sec, guys? Lisa, we really do need to find Jasper. If he's off being nervous and getting stage fright somewhere, we need to drag him back here and caffeinate him until he's over it. Lisa? Please?"
Lisa hesitated, then threw her brother a very, very dark glare and stormed off backstage to search for Jasper.
"We're so dead," Eric said.
"He'll be here. Soon." Cal smiled reassuringly and began re-tuning his guitar.
"He'd better," Eric said.
Cal closed his eyes and mumbled "or I'll kill him myself."
*
Jasper walked out of what he thought was a closet. He was in the back of the club, behind the bar, and the bartender turned, saw him, and began glaring in a really frightening way.
"Uh..." Jasper said. "Uh... I don't suppose you have any coffee?"
"You're underage! Get out from behind my bar!" the bartender yelled.
"Sorry!" Jasper eeped and ducked away from the bar. He looked through the crowd and saw some goth kids on stage, playing what sounded like chain saws. Chain saws that seemed to be attacking cats. Jasper winced.
"There you are!!" Lisa bounced up next to him.
The goth kids had just ended their set. The MC came out and smiled and waved. "That was Angelcake! Aren't they great, ladies and gentlemen? Aren't they just fabulous?" There was half-hearted applause. "And now, please welcome Doormats United."
Two hippie kids (boys? Girls? Who could tell?) with long hair and tie-dyed shirts came on stage. One of them sat on a stool and began playing acoustic guitar. The other began playing the tambourine.
"Like watching Stevie Nicks..." Jasper mumbled to himself.
"Where have you been?" Lisa demanded, grabbing his arm. "You're so, so so late!! The other guys are going to kill you! Have you been off skanking coffee or what?"
"No!" Jasper protested. "I fell in to the basement and..." He looked around furtively. "Lisa, you'll never believe what I overheard!!"
"Later. You have to get backstage! The hippies won't be on forever." She began dragging him through the crowd.
"No, this is important!" Jasper said, trying to pull his arm free.
Lisa ignored him, talking as if he had asked what had been going on. "Everyone thinks you've been all stage-frightened and they're mad as h-e-double hockey sticks. Which I only mention 'cause I know you like hockey."
"Lisa, this is really important! I overheard—"
"Eric seems especially mad," Lisa continued. "But at least Jolene hasn't been around to taunt him. I swear, she's like the road runner to his insane coyote, y'know?"
"Wait, you have to listen to me!" Jasper said, trying to stop her from dragging him through the crowd.
"Well, well, well. What have we here?"
Lisa bumped right in to someone. She feinted right, he blocked her way, she dragged Jasper to the left, he blocked her again. Lisa looked up and saw Bo "Rock" Kentun standing with his arms crossed, smirking.
"Shouldn't you be back stage, pipsqueak?" Rock demanded.
"Yeah. Move so we can get there!" Lisa ordered.
Rock shook his head. "I think maybe I'll cause trouble instead. I still don't like you," he sneered at Jasper.
"Great. 'Cause I'm your number one fan," Jasper said sarcastically.
"Move!!" Lisa hollered.
Rock smirked. "Isn't this funny. Heh. I've gotta say, I'm enjoying—"
"They're going to be done soon," Jasper said, pointing to the hippies on stage.
"I know!" she said. They both blatantly ignored Rock. "Fine. I give up." She turned to Rock and growled. "Get. Out. Of. My. Way."
He rolled his eyes. "Oh, like you're so scary, little girl."
Lisa screamed a high-pitched "ai-yi-yi-yi-yi!!" and stomped on his foot. Hard. His smirk faded, turned in to a grimace of pain and slid off his face as he toppled over, clutching his foot. Lisa grabbed Jasper's hand and ran, pulling him behind her, through the audience.
"Since when are you Xena?" Jasper demanded.
"Since always. Girl power!" Lisa shot back, making a "V" with the first two fingers of her free hand.
"Okay, Perky Spice, just stay away from me," Jasper replied.
Lisa dragged him through the door to backstage, where Eric, Cal and Felix were waiting impatiently.
"There he is!" Eric yelled. "Augh! Where have you been? If you've had stage fright just tell us, and we'll beat on you until you stop, got it?"
"I overhead something really importa... I don't have stage fright!!" Jasper protested. "Hey! I'm not scared at all on stage!"
"Right, J, sure," Cal said. "As long as you're here now. Are you all warmed up, vocally?"
"The mayor's here!" Lisa put in.
"I'm not scared! And.. And that's not the point. The point is, you guys, I totally overheard something really really important, and—"
Onstage the music stopped. There was some tentative applause. The MC walked out and said "Let's give it up for Doormats United! And now..."
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, we're on!" Jasper gasped.
"Yeah. Let's go!" Cal grabbed his synth, Eric grabbed his guitar, Felix grabbed his bass and they started off.
Jasper looked at Lisa. "But I haven't had coffee yet!!" Jasper wailed.
"Here," she said quickly, grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling him over. She gave him a quick, firm kiss.
"What... What was that?" Jasper gasped, blinking like a stunned deer.
"I'm wearing caffeinated lipstick," Lisa explained. "And now so are you."
Jasper continued to stare and blink.
"Shut up," Lisa said threateningly. "I did not just kiss you. That was not a kiss. That wasŠ That was the fastest way to get you caffeine. Now go on stage!" She grabbed him by the arm, turned him around and shoved him toward the stage.
Jasper stumbled out the door and up the stairs. The MC passed him, going the other way, and gave him and encouraging smile. "Don't suck like the hippies," the MC said.
"But I am a hippie!" Jasper protested. "Well... de facto." And then he was onstage.
The bright lights hit him and he held up one arm to shade his eyes. He could barely make out, in the darkness of the audience, the vague shapes of people, moving around and looking at him expectantly. There was one giant, hulking shape that had to be Rock. And off to the side was a small, bouncy shape that was probably Lisa. That was all Jasper could make out. He walked up to the front of the stage, took the mike off its stand and waved cheerily.
"Hey, everybody!" he perked. "We're gonna play a song for you now... It's a cover, but hey, a great song's a great song, right?" He smiled encouragingly.
Someone in the audience laughed. It was friendly laughter, though, so Jasper didn't mind.
"Get off the stage!" That was unmistakably Rock, hollering.
"Oh, great, a heckler. I'd beat you up myself, but..." Jasper shrugged. "You're way bigger than I am. Could someone in the audience do it?"
Everyone laughed. Except Lisa, who yelled "I'll do it!" and vanished from the side of the stage. Everyone laughed even harder.
Jasper grinned. "See, this is the camaraderie of the audience and the band that I love so much."
Someone began to applaud. "Speaking of the camaraderie of the band, let me introduce us. I'm Jasper, and these guys..." He turned around and discovered something rather astonishing.
Felix, Cal and Eric had simply frozen, looking out over the mass of people. Eric's mouth was slightly open, shocked, and Cal was staring fixedly at his synth, ignoring everything else. Felix managed a very, very weak wave.
"Okay..." Jasper improvised. "These three frozen guys are Cal, Felix and Eric. We're uh... we're reenacting the first episode of the Partridge Family. And I'm David Cassidy!"
More applause. Jasper nodded. "I know. He had bigger hair. I'm working on it." Applause and laughter. "But now we're going to stop that," he turned to the other lads and glared at them fiercely. "Because I'm going to do the count in, and we're going to play. Right?"
A weak nod from Felix. "Right?" Jasper said again. Eric managed a strangled nod. And then Cal sort of, almost nodded. "Okay. Let's go..."
He walked over to the drum kit and knocked the stool out of the way. He was way too energized to sit down and drum. He did a quick snare riff and counted in, holding his breath and praying that the other guys were going to start playing.
"Watch out."
"You might get what you're after," Felix chorused back, weakly, but there. Cal and Eric came in on guitar and synth, shaky, but playing. Felix's bass came in strong. Jasper set the beat a little faster than it had been in rehearsal.
"Cool babies," Jasper sang.
"Strange but not a stranger."
"I'm anŠ ordinary guy. Burning down the house!"
Cal straightened up a little, started getting a little funky on the synth. Jasper looked out and saw the audience starting to sway to the beat. He began bouncing as he drummed, grinning encouragingly at the audience. Somewhere Rock yelled "ow!"
"Hold tight!"
"Wait till the party's over," Eric and Felix chorused back.
"Hold tight!"
"We're in for nasty weather," Cal, Eric and Felix sang. They were almost yelling.
"There has... got to be a way! Burning down the house! Here's your ticket, pack your bags; time for jumpin' overboard. The transportation is here... Close enough but not too far, maybe you know where you are, fightin' fire with fire!" More funky drumming and the synth. He nodded at the audience again. They cheered.
"All wet," Jasper, Felix, Cal and Eric chorused together.
"Hey you might need a raincoat."
"Shakedown."
"Dreams walking in broad daylight... three hun-dred six-ty five de-grees..."
"Burning down the house!" the audience yelled along with them this time. Jasper started laughing. Cal was looking up now, and Eric was smiling. Eric was smiling. Felix shot Jasper a quick grin.
"It was once upon a place sometimes I listen to myself, gonna come in first place," Jasper sang. "People on their way to work say baby what did you expect? Gonna burst into flame..."
Cal got funky on the synthesizer for a couple of bars, really starting to enjoy himself. Jasper drummed them back in to the chorus, yelling to the audience "Hey, if you know it, sing along! Burning down the house!" The audience was totally in to it, clapping along to Jasper's beat. Felix began bobbing his head up and down to the beat, engrossed in his bass.
"My house!"
"S'out of the ordinary."
"That's right."
"Don't want to hurt nobody. Some things... sure can... sweep me off my feet."
"Burning down the house!!" Crazy drumming for a beat, and then, like in rehearsal, Jasper began yelling the last verse, his voice manically parodying David Byrnes'. The audience was clapping and jumping up and down.
"No visible means of support and you have not seen nothing yet. Everything's stuck together. I don't know what you expect, staring in to the tv set... fighting fire with fire..."
And the song went quiet for a second, as Cal went back in to his eerie waaaa sounds on the synthesizer. And then the drums came crashing back in and Felix and Eric got funky again, and Cal was going crazy on the synth.
"Burning down the house!!" The audience yelled, Cal and Felix and Jasper and Eric yelled, and the room exploded in to applause.
Jasper was grinning so hard his face hurt. He bounced up and down, clutching his drumsticks. Eric walked over and gave him a quick, almost unnoticeable hug.
"Thanks very much!" Jasper yelled, waving to the audience again. They cheered him enthusiastically. "We love you! Thanks! Thanks!"
Felix grabbed Jasper's arm and dragged him offstage, down the stairs and back stage. Jasper continued waving and bouncing until the door swung shut and he couldn't see the audience any more. Then he collapsed on to the couch in the green room.
"That was, uh... The Lads! Eric, Felix, Cal and Jasper!" the MC said on stage. The audience cheered and clapped.
"Let's do an encore!" Jasper said.
"Uh, we can't. LolRock is about to go on," Cal pointed out. He was still smiling. "That was great! We were great! Did you hear us? We were great!"
One of the girls from the first band to play, the Sugar Squirrels, walked by. She was wearing jeans and a tight, ripped t-shirt, which seemed odd because her band played swing music. "You guys rock," she said, winking at Felix. He blushed.
"We do rock!" Jasper perked. "We were great!"
"You were great," Cal said. "You were totally comfortable on stage. I totally froze."
"Loser!"
Jolene, Genevieve and Greta came storming around the corner. They had changed clothes so that they all sort of matched; Jolene and Greta were wearing tight black flared pants and high heeled black platforms. Jolene was wearing a skin-tight green tanktop and Greta was wearing a tight blue t-shirt. Genevieve was wearing a tiny black mini-mini-skirt and giant chunky black shoes, and a tiny, backless pink halter top. They all seemed to have been dunked in glitter at some point. Glitter and eye shadow.
"You sucked," Jolene said. "And I hope you all choke on the David Byrne's ghost!"
"Uh, he's not dead," Felix pointed out.
"You were great, Jimmy!" Genevieve said, winking at Jasper. "Isn't it fun, being the cute one?"
Jasper opened his mouth to comment, and was utterly at a loss for anything to say. "My name's still Jasper," he said finally.
"You will pay, Eric Donelly," Jolene snarled. "You will pay dearly!"
Cal and Felix gave her confused looks. That wasn't the idiotic Jolene they knew. Jasper glared at her, crossing his arms.
Jolene recovered quickly, putting on a vapid expression and saying "I mean... Wow, that was suck-ass. Um... We have to go on stage. Go!" She shoved Greta and Genevieve out the door and up the stairs as the MC got done saying "and now... LolRock!"
"You guys, I just remembered, I have to tell you something really important," Jasper started.
"We were great!" Cal said again, ignoring Jasper. "I hope Greta does wellŠ I mean, I hope she sucks," he amended quickly when Eric glared.
"You guys, it's important," Jasper tried again. "And it's about LolRock!"
"What?" Felix asked, turning.
Lisa came barreling in. She threw her arms around Jasper and hugged him. "You were great!" she squealed. "Fabulous! Amazing! Cute, even!" She turned and hugged Felix and the Cal enthusiastically. "So were you! So were you!!" She stopped in front of Eric, the shrugged and hugged him.
"Ewww, get off me!" Eric yelled.
"You didn't suck, Eric!" she congratulated him.
"Get off me!"
Jasper ignored them, stood up and walked over to the door. "I've never seen LolRock," he said mostly to himself, peeking around the corner and on stage.
The girls were doing some dancing with choreography that could be mostly summed up by "strut, strut, hip thrust, hip thrust, wiggly arm movement, hip thrust, kick, strut, sexy shimmy, hip thrust." They were singing something, and the lyrics sounded to Jasper like "I love you, swear I do, baby. I do it all for you. Everything is for you. Except what's not. And that's a lot. Oh baby. Oh pretty baby. Baby baby baby. Baby!!"
He winced, more at the stupid lyrics than anything else and shook his head. That wasn't music. They weren't even playing instruments.
"It'll be over soon," Felix promised.
"You guys were so good! Everyone loved you!" Lisa enthused. "Well... not everyone. Not Rock. He kinda thought you sucked." She got an evil look in her eyes. "But then I kicked his ass! Ha!"
The girl from the Sugar Squirrels nodded. "I thought you guys were really good. I'm very impressed. Way better than last year."
"Thanks," Jasper perked.
"They're gonna call us all up on stage in a sec to announce the winners," she went on. "Good luck. I'm Gabby, by the way."
"You were great too, Gabby," Felix said hastily.
"Thanks." She winked again and wandered away.
On stage, LolRock finished their big song by posing like Charlie's Angels, and Genevieve blew the audience a kiss. The audience cheered wildly.
"Let's get all the bands back on stage," the MC yelled. "The Sugar Squirrels!" Four bad-ass girls in jeans and t-shirts ran by the lads and up on stage. They got pretty good applause. "Eddie and the Pirates!" Five skater punks ran on stage. They got half-hearted applause. "Angelcake!" The three goth kids pushed their way on stage. The clapping was definitely tentative. "Doormats United!" Out came the hippies and a little applause. "The Lads — Eric, Cal, Felix and Jasper!" There was giant applause, particularly from Lisa, and the guys ran up onstage. Jasper blinked at the light again. "And of course, LolRock!" More huge applause and cheering. The LolRock girls smiled and waved.
"Now," the MC said "I'm going to go consult with the judges and find out who won. Don't forget; the top three bands move on to the all important second contest! And then the top two bands from that battle in the ultimate contest, hosted by our own Jenny Washington, for the title of Best Band in Chalice!"
"There are two more contests?" Jasper whispered.
"There never have been before," Felix whispered back.
"Well there are this year," Jolene hissed. "And don't expect to be at either one, suck-ass losers!"
"We're not losers!" Jasper protested.
"Jenny Washington?" Eric demanded.
"Duh," Genevieve said.
"Shut up," Greta hissed. The audience was watching them, still applauding.
The MC dashed back on stage, with a piece of paper in his hand. "Okay, we're going to do something extra special tonight. We have with us, the mayor of Chalice and we're going to ask him to announce the winners. Yeah!" He motioned for applause, and got some. Half-hearted at best.
The mayor walked onstage, smiling like a politician and waved to the audience. He was blond and beefy, like he'd just gotten out of the army, and his suit fit him awkwardly. He cleared his throat.
"Here you go, Mr. Mayor," the MC said. He handed the Mayor a piece of paper. "Please do the honors."
The new mayor walked up to the microphone and got feedback. Everyone laughed. He smiled and shrugged. "In third place..." he paused for dramatic effect. "We have the Sugar Squirrels."
The Squirrels began shrieking and jumping up and down. The lads applauded enthusiastically. Greta rolled her eyes again. Jolene yawned. Genevieve began checking her nails for flaws.
"In second place..." the mayor paused again. "In second place we have Felix, Cal, Eric and Jasper!"
There was a moment of shock, on stage at least, and then Jasper began bouncing up and down ecstatically. "Yay! Yay us! Yay yay yay yay!" The Sugar Squirrels were applauding them, now, and Gabby blew them a kiss. Somewhere Jasper could hear Lisa shrieking. Cal hugged Felix and Felix hugged Jasper and Eric looked suspiciously like he might almost be crying he was so happy. Jolene's eyes narrowed dangerously.
"And in first place... LolRock!"
The girls squealed and jumped up and down. Felix and Cal applauded politely, but Jasper crossed his arms and glared, and Eric began trying to blow Jolene's head up with his mind. Genevieve was in danger, jumping around like that in her tiny skirt and tiny top.
"So we'll see those three bands at the next contest! Better start rehearsing!" the MC said. The audience was applauding wildly. "Thank you, and good night!"
Jolene paused just long enough to smirk at Eric. "Beat you again."
"But we'll see you at the next one. And beat you in to the ground!" he replied.
"Suuuure," she said, and stomped off stage. Greta sighed and followed her.
"I'm glad you placed, so we can play together again. You and I would be so cute," Genevieve told Jasper. "But you'll have to change your name."
"To something you can remember?" he asked bitterly. "Like... Like Steve? Or Tom? Or Bill?"
"Don't be silly, Jason, I know your name," she cooed. "You'd have to change it to something cool, like... Like Adrian! Or Jean!"
"No. Way. Never!" Jasper yelled.
"Your loss," Genevieve shrugged, and walked off stage.
The lads followed her off, amid a press of goth kids and hippie kids, none of whom looked too pleased.
"I figure," Gabby said, "it doesn't matter who won the first contest. I mean, obviously it was rigged for LolRock. I hear they totally pay off the judges."
"Wouldn't surprise me," Jasper said darkly. "Which reminds me, you guys—"
"It's the next contest that'll matter, 'cause only one of us can go on to cream LolRock in the finals." Gabby gave the lads a serious look as they all walked off stage. "Are you guys up to the task of crushing them like the pop culture cockroaches they are?"
"Yes. I've never wanted to do anything more," Eric said.
"Cool. Then good luck to you," Gabby said. She waved and her band walked off.
"Let's get everything put away and taken care of," Lisa said, walking over. "We all have play rehearsal tomorrow."
The back room was already almost empty; all the bands had gone out to be congratulated by friends and family. LolRock had totally vanished.
"No, you guys have to listen to me," Jasper said.
"We're going to crush LolRock next time," Eric promised. "You'll see. I'll crush her. I'll crush her! Bwahahaha!"
"LISTEN TO ME!" Jasper yelled. Everyone turned to stare at him in shock.
"Jeez..." Felix said, stunned.
"Just... Just listen for a sec, okay?" Jasper said. He looked around to make sure the five of them were alone. "When I was downstairs I overheard Jolene, Greta and Genevieve on the phone with... Well, with someone mysterious. Someone who they said was writing their music for them, writing their choreography for them, and someone who told them to cut a hole in the floor for me to fall through."
There was a moment of silence. "Are you sure?" Eric said doubtfully.
"It wasn't me they wanted anyway," Jasper shook his head. "They're trying to hurt Lisa so Gen will get the lead in the musical. That's why the elevator collapsed. That's why the pipe fell on her. Almost. And that's why they cut a hole in the floor."
Lisa gasped. "I'll kill them!"
"They're trying to kill you," he said. "And now they want to kill me, too. I'm sure. I heard them say so."
Eric growled. "You heard those exact words?"
"Yeah. I couldn't believe it. I'm starting to think you're right about Jolene, that she is evil."
"She is!"
"If this is true..." Felix said slowly, "do you suppose Gabby is right, and they rigged the contest, too?"
"I bet so," Jasper confirmed.
"We're in a lot of trouble, aren't we..." Felix muttered.
"Great. What a down note to end a story on," Cal said.
"It's not a down note," Lisa corrected, but she sounded scared. "It's called dramatic tension."
There was another long, silent pause. Outside the room they could hear the LolRock girls, being congratulated by the mayor.
As one, the five of them chorused "Dum dum DUMMM...
(Dear God, that was a long story. Forty-six pages! Everyone tell Rachel how much you love her for it!