Living In A Moment

Right now, the city looks beautiful. From here on the roof of the lodging house, I can see over the closest buildings, see the skyline and all of the little pricks of light. Each light is a window somewhere, with someone sitting inside, someone with hopes and dreams and loves and wishes. I'll never meet them, never share those wishes or dreams, but it's really amazing to think of just how many people are making their livings, surviving in this city.

It's enough to make me forget how terrible this city is, how rotten life can be, just for a second... It's even almost enough to make me forget you sitting downstairs, playing cards with Race, or joking with Jack—It's almost enough to make me stop picturing yours smiling face, grinning at me, to forget the sound of your voice saying you loved me.

You do, I know that. You love me as your brother, as your best friend. We were drunk when I told you, you were more drunk that I was, like always. But I had enough in me to get my courage up, so I did it.

"Blink," I said to you, afraid but determined, "I love you."

And your face lit up, and you grinned back at me, and for just that second, I was the happiest I had ever been. In that second, I thought you understood, I thought you felt the same. And you said it, damn you, you said it. I can still hear the words in my mind. "I love you too, Mush."

I wish I could have died right then, believing you meant what I meant. I coulda died happy that way, really happy. But then you kept talking.

"'Cause you'se my brother an' I ain't never had a brother before."

I guess it's good we were drunk, because you aren't that dumb. Maybe a little dim, sometimes, but not really stupid, and I bet if you were sober, you'd have known what I meant. I don't know how you'd have reacted, I don't even want to know, because that night I wasn't that drunk, I was still sober enough to realize you were too drunk to lie. No matter how much I dreamed it, you were telling the truth, the whole truth, not covering anything up. You aren't like me.

You don't like boys.

But for that second, I was so happy...

I turn my gaze from out at the city, the overwhelming, marvelous, miserable city, down to the cobblestone street below. It's hard to realize when there are so many taller buildings around, but the roof of the lodging house is pretty high up, three or four stories at least. I lean forward enough to see straight down, and go kind of dizzy. A guy could get hurt really bad if he fell from here. He might even break his neck and die.

I've thought about that, but I'm not that brave. I'd rather live in this city, being what I am and hiding it, than fall from here. There are worse things than living like I do, and it's not like I've got nothing to live for.

I've got you, and I've got that moment. And I can always live in that moment.

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