4.23.2004
I had a 9 hour train ride this weekend, which, as it turns out, is just enough time to read Cosmo cover-to-cover three times. Here's what you're [not] missing:
Skipping all the fake "my ex cheated so I got revenge by lighting his shorts on fire" stories -- and you DO know that they're fake, right? -- we have a four-page interview with Ms. Right Now, Jessica Simpson. Her hair looks like ass in these photos. The cover trumpets "This say-anything star goes even further!" but she doesn't actually say anything at all. Seriously, I've never watched her stupid show, and I knew all this crap. Then we get "Jessica's hints for keeping things hot," which is some of the most boring advice I've ever seen. "I don't think that you should always give in when your man wants sex." Uh.... Thanks.
The "Girl Power!" section of the magazine is always slightly off-putting; pictures of the Hunks of the Moment (Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Matt Damon... real controversial picks), then a Man Without His Shirt, and more shirtless Hunks in Heat. Ewww. I'm as liberated as the next girl, but it's skeevy. Plus, who said that we all go for oily bo-hunks? Get these shaved, greasy, pre-pubescent men out of my face, Cosmo. Some of us like boys with glasses, okay?
Ten pages of 500-dollar bikinis that I don't even understand the physics of. How do you get that on? I can barely figure out how to get on a tank-top with crossed straps. I have to stare at it for five minutes and figure out where the arms go and where my head goes, and then I always end up with it on backwards.
Why does the make-up section always insist I need to wear at least 3 layers of eyeshadow? It's always "creme base" and "loose powder to the ridge" and "blend a taupe shadow" blah blah blah. No one who does her own make-up has EVER put on three layers to get that "sexy casual" look. Personally, when I was 14 and tried it, I looked like I was in danger of being left behind when the clown car took off for the big top. Actually, so do these models. Maybe that's "sexy" now?
Ahhh, the porn section. The reason women read Cosmo and feel liberated! It talks about sex! It has pictures! (Albeit, little cartoony "this is the men's room" indicator-style pictures.) It must be liberating! As I was reading this, the little old lady sitting beside me on the train kept trying to strike up a conversation.
Her: So, are you going home to visit your parents?
Cosmo: As your guy penetrates you from behind, he lifts your legs from just above the knees, holds them, and thrusts.
Plus, doesn't that sound sexy? Jesus Christ. That sounds a lot like doing the Wheelbarrow as a kid. Ewwww.
Then, to counteract all that "feminism," an article on making him "feel like a man." Here's a few helpful hints; don't offer him advice, let him take control of the bedroom, give him lots of positive reinforcement, and make sure you've set out his slippers and a beer when he gets home from work! I just added in that last one, but I figured anything Donna Reed would do fits in perfectly here.
Article on masturbation... For girls!!!!!!! Shock! Scandal!
Article on Amy from the Apprentice. Here's the exact reason I couldn't wait until her smug, bitchy face was booted off my tv; she thinks she's so ballsy and amazing, and secretly? She's just a snot.
"How did you avoid the mudslinging?"
"I think the advantage that I had... is that in my day-to-day life I work with all men. And I've picked up on something that makes many men successful: They promote their ideas with enthusiasm but not emotional attachment... Women tend to get overly involved emotionally."
I ... you... fucking... Thanks, Amy. You should go read that article about making him "feel like a man." Maybe you could have kept yours.
Article on stress: Don't be. Take deep breaths.
Article on dieting: Eat better carbs, don't drink soda, let yourself cheat now and then.
Photoshoot of white short-shorts that go up to just underneath the model's armpits. Uh... Cosmo? 1981 called, and it wants its fucking fashion back.
50 Ways to Look Summer Sexy involves wearing false eyeshadows, using two lip-gloses at once, and three-step eyeshadow application. At the beach. Uh... yeah.
Reader's Club excerpt from The Accidental Diva, rated five for steaminess. I have read sexier things on Livejournal. Daily.
"...His kiss was slow and deliberate. He sucked her tongue, tasting her, then bit her bottom lip. Swept up in the heat of the moment and losing all rationale, Billie grabbed the back of his shirt, wraped one leg around him, and began to grind her hips against his. Her head fell back, and Jay trailed soft kisses up her neck before whispering in her ear, 'Let's leave before they kick us out.'"
Vomit! It gets worse, too. The word "member" is tossed about liberally. Also, they orgasm at the same time, which just... No. Go find some smutty slash, children, that at least you can read with a straight face.
I leave you with this wisdom, from the last page of Cosmo:
TIRED: Celebs toting small dogs.
TRENDY: Celebs toting cuddly babies.
Thank god for you, Cosmo.
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# Posted by Rachel on 10:33 AM
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4.21.2004
I mentioned somewhere else that I'm experiencing a Sirius Black renaissance. (If you don't get that phraseology, go watch more Sports Night.) I had a couple of friends who swooned over him in The Prisoner of Azkaban (we're all clear I'm talking about Harry Potter books, right?) and I... didn't. Didn't really even notice him as a character. I think I was distracted by how increasingly 'shippy Ron and Hermione were getting, or maybe the incredible level of contrivance involved in Scabbers suddenly being a bad guy, or maybe why on earth anyone, ever, thinks Draco is a good character, when really he's just so one-dimensional and boring.
One of those, probably.
Somewhere in Order of the Phoenix I noticed him again, and really appreciated what a whiny, bratty, ambiguously moral character he was, despite being James' best friend and Harry's godfather. One of my favorite character types is "incredibly attractive, smug, impulsive bastards." They get me every time. I was just starting to get in to Sirius as a concept when... Well, when the book ended. You either know what I mean, or you're skipping this article all together and going "eugh, Harry Potter."
Back to the third book, though, which is coming out as a movie this summer. Don't read this if you don't know what happens, I guess, but... Damn, if you haven't read Harry Potter yet? What planet do you live on? Anyway, Sirius Black, the most evil and feared wizard in all the wizarding world, escapes Azkaban prison (thus the title) and everyone assumes he's trying to kill Harry, the way he killed James' and Lily Potter. The catch, of course, is that at the end of the story we find out Sirius was completely innocent and trying to protect Harry from bad guys all along. A lot of other things happen along the way, naturally, but that's the major story arc for Sirius. Harry ends up, finally, with an adult in his life who loves him and wants to look after him, and is going to take him away from the Dursleys and treat him well, and who knew his father, and... sniff. Sob. It doesn't happen, because JK Rowling is a bastard, and Sirius ends up having to flee. Harry is very, very attached to him (which makes the end of book 5 that much nastier, and gratuitious, and don't get me started on mean).
I guess some people seeing the movie won't know about how it all ends, but I think the majority of them will. Certainly almost all of the kids seeing the movie, and most of the adults. Frankly, I'm wondering about the execution of the film. Here's what I mean:
That's a cool promo poster, and... Well, damn and all, but, how well is the first 3/4 of the movie going to work? There's no menace to the plot if you know Sirius is really a good guy, and isn't it kind of painful to know that Harry could be with his beloved Godfather that whole time, instead of running away from him? I'm going to have a hard time restraining myself from yelling "He's a GOOD GUY, Harry you idiot, it was PETER!!! PETER!!!!" The story only really works for surprise value the first time through, and most of the kids watching the movie are going to know the twist ending. It seems like a hell of a challenge to me. The first two movies were decent, but not fantastic, and I'm a little worried about the execution on this one.
On the other hand, nice poster. Bow chicka bow bow, and so forth.
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# Posted by Rachel on 6:50 PM
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I maintain that Johnny Depp's entrance in Pirates of the Caribbean is one of the best movie entrances of all time. I'm the kind of snot who reads about things like that (William Goldman is both a maniac and a fascinating writer). With no dialogue at all the audience knows everything it needs to about Captain Jack Sparrow, from a combination of Johnny Depp's brilliance, the screenwriter's forebearance of stupid dialogue, and the camera's impeccable sense of timing.
We know instantly that:
A) the swelling music believes this is a Very Important Character
B) he's a pirate
C) he needs a new ship (hee. Heeeee!)
D) he has a sense of loyalty and duty to his fellow pirates
E) he's probably a little drunk
F) he's terribly suave
G) he's terribly unlucky
H) he carries himself with so much dignity that he makes completely absurd seem rational (which is the reason the entire movie works)
This is all done without so much as an awkward "Look, it's Captain Jack Sparrow! No one's seen him around Port Royal in years, since Captain Barbossa stole his ship and left him stranded on a desert island! He's the drunkest, craziest, bestest pirate captain ever!" That may sound absurd, but most movies would have stuck in a variation of that line somewhere while he was stepping on to the dock. I admire the hell out of the scriptwriters, Gore Verbinsky, and Johnny Depp, because that scene just drips brilliance.
The rest of the movie's pretty good, too.
Comments-[ comments.]
# Posted by Rachel on 1:25 PM
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